Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Health Report: Week 41

There's not much to report this week. I'm feeling better (especially from last week, when I was sicker than hell), but I still think my job sucks and still want to do something else. It's dead at work right now, which is a mixed blessing, but since I'm part-time, I'm getting off early nearly every day.

I'm looking into my options. With a BA, I think I can get certified to substitute teach for grades 1 through 6. I think that, at this point in my life, for what I want, subbing wouldn't be bad. You don't have to work every day, which is honestly good for me, because I want time to seriously devote to my writing career. I think that's the biggest issues I'm having with work; I don't want to be like a lot of the people I worked with at Barnes & Noble, who really wanted to teach or write but got caught up in working every day. I'm going to make this happen.

I was talking to one of you via email last week, and this person made a lot of sense and was very insightful at pegging my problem. He said that depression was not really a sadness but a sort of crippling lethargy that made it hard to clear your mind and focus, and he's absolutely right. I have a motivation problem, and a focus problem. I am sort of back at rock bottom, especially with my weight and my eating habits, and that just adds to the lethargy. I can't get motivated, and I can't focus on being motivated. Thanks for kicking me in the ass there a bit, because your words made sense. You know who you are.

Things to work on, then: my weight, my attitude, my focus. He suggested counseling and even medication, things I've been scared of and which, thanks to my upbringing, I'm reluctant to seek out. I've always felt that problems should be dealt with alone, and that it's weak to look for help. But, obviously, this approach hasn't exactly been a big help to me over the years. Maybe, one day, when I actually have money to spend again, I can look into that. Because I need something to help me see what's important and what I can do and what I'm capable of. My health is shot, my self-esteem is for shit. That needs to be fixed.

Man, 41 weeks in. I thought I'd have made some real progress by now. And I guess, in some ways, I have. I'm more aware of what I need to do, I just need to snap out of it and do them. I really did manage to let go of a lot of the things from the past that kept dragging me back down. And that's pretty good. Now it's time to do better.

Otherwise, I wanted to share these pictures. What kind of bird is this?

That night a couple of weeks ago when it was 37 degrees overnight, I opened the blinds and saw this on my porch balcony. He was surprisingly placid (or frozen) and I was able to take some pictures of it. I had to go to work, or else I would've waited for it to warm up and fly away so I could get a better look at it, full-bodied. It's obviously some kind of hawk, but it seemed small (and I've seen a lot of gorgeous hawks in flight around here). I think maybe it's an American kestrel, but I'm not sure. If anyone knows about birds and can tell me, I'd love to know.

Next week: progress! At least I hope so. I worked out today for the first time in weeks, so that's something. I'm going to go back to my morning walks, too. We'll see what happens.


MichaelBains said...

Hey good luck! I just wrote to someone what I keep having to learn viscerally; I just gotta stop thinkin' so much about things which require action rather than thought!

I'm strugglin' to keep at running, and up it to more than 2 or 3 x - much less once! - a week. The less I think 'bout how many things I hate about it, the easier it is to do.

Just sayin' I can relate, eh. Whatever else, Have Fun! That always seems to help me as well.

themom said...

Well, short of a kick in the ass, you seem to have your head right where it belongs. I'm proud of you. Keep it up and I want to see all positives from here on out. As for the bird, haven't a clue. I know they fly and poop on you and don't know one from the other. LOL

Luv ya and am very proud of you.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I was going to say that it's a hawk. It's hard to tell what kind with it sitting like that. It kind of looks like a gosshawk, but I don't know.

fairlane said...

I think it's some kind of hawk as well because of it's coloring, but you can't really see its beak.


Hang in there man. I think what you have is going around.

St. John's Wort is an herb that is used to treat depression. It's much cheaper than prescription drugs.

If you have a Doctor, talk with them about it. If not talk to someone at a Natural Food Store who knows their shit.

You can also try Ginseng or Capsicum to help with energy. Capsicum is what makes peppers spicy so if you don't like spicy stay away from it. But if you do Capsicum also naturally lowers blood pressure.

Johnny Yen said...

I'm glad you're feeling better! Keep focused on your dreams!

I think that the bird may be a Perigrine Falcon.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I'm glad to hear you sounding somewhat better. I'm pulling for you. I really am. You can do it. Cheat once in a while but stay on that horse my man. You can do it.

Distributorcap said...

keep it going, you sound better, and small steps -- dont overwhelm yourself.

as always -- best to you

Anonymous said...

actually no, you need to push yourself... seriously.... mentally you can handle it... your body needs it... your energy level sucks cuz your body is too tired just trying to maintain it's self... you need to excercise daily, rain or shine, sick or well, get your ass out there and walk... get some hand weights, and power walk that ass!! I think your energy and your attitude will improve if you felt better physically... scrap the pace yourself shit, and throw yourself into it... 45 min cardio every day and 3 times a week strength training... keep a journal, write down everything you eat, measure your portions, and count your calories... try to minimize it to 2500. check out this site for some more info on Nutrition for men: http://nutrition.about.com/library/bl_nutrition_guide_men.htm

it is hard ass work.... you have to really want it... so much easier to sit around... but the benefits outweigh it all....

Freida Bee said...

Samarai, I had the opposite problem for years, hyperthyroid, and then a goiter (throid tumor) and had my thyroid removed and have read enough about it to wonder if you (with your new insurance- part-time???) can get a thyroid test. Sometimes in these circumstances of stuckness w/ weight despite lots of effort combined with the lethargy, there may be thyroid issues. I am no doctor, but consider asking yours. 'Cause I care.

Sherry said...

Your heart and mind are in the right place, Froggy. Keep it up!

I wish you could have stayed to see the bird take off. That would have been awesome.

Sherry said...

Okay, I was curious about what kind of bird this night be, but still had no luck. If you feel like looking, in case you haven't already, you can go here and have a look-see.