Saturday, July 28, 2007

Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch 1963-2007

Naval legend and cereal sales mascot Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch, affecionately known and beloved by millions as "Cap'n Crunch," was killed this week by a combination of misguided good intentions, weasley advertising schemes, and general lazy parenting.

In this day and age, where kids are supposedly fatter than they've ever been, parents continue to blame sugared cereals, fast food, and colorful ad mascots for the rotundity of their children, rather than the obvious culprit: lazy parenting. With the decision to cave in to pressure groups ("It just makes sense if we want to continue making a ton of money for putting sugar on oats and shit," said adman Radley Phuqwitt), it has been sadly reported that advertising mascots in animated commercials will no longer be needed. Sadly, it is the advertising industry, the very same that gave birth to the Cap'n, that has now killed him.

For nearly five decades, Cap'n Crunch was a Saturday morning icon. His adventures aboard his ship, the S.S. Guppy, often featured his attempts to bring flavor to the lives of dull children while keeping his precious recipe safe from his nemesis, Jean LaFoote the Barefoot Pirate, and saving kids from getting sogged by Soggies.

Oddly, LaFoote was one of many cartoon characters who attended the funeral. "All is forgiven," he said in his over-the-top French accent. "I never held any malice toward him. I felt we respected each other as adversaries. I don't know what purpose my life has without him now..."

Others who attended the funeral include other recently laid off cartoon mascots, such as Tony the Tiger ("I only wanted to help kids succeed at sports!"), a nervous and jacked up Trix Rabbit, and a surprisingly serene Toucan Sam. "Kids don't need me anymore," he says. "The hipsters have their ironic tee shirts. And kids will always know to follow their nose... I'm only sad that it had to end in the death of another one of our colleagues."

The sad news reached the world recently when the S.S. Guppy was finally found near the island of Volcanica; it is assumed that Crunch was making another trip to the Crunchlings to get more Crunchium. Alas, it was not to be. "At first, I thought the Cap'n had gone on another one of his trips," said old friend Professor Dewey Livettnhow, discoverer of Crunchium and author of the Periodic Breakfast Table of Elements, referring to Crunch's "disappearances" in 1985 and 1999. "Now it seems as though he was returning to Volcanica one last time to see the Crunchlings and perhaps retire from adventuring and spreading the word about Cap'n Crunch cereal."

Crunch was preceded in death by the crew of the Guppy--Alfie, Carlyle, Dave, Brunhilde, and Seadog--as well as his former fiancee Magnolia Bulkhead, and friends Smedley the Elephant, Harry S. Hippo, Wilma the Winsome White Whale, Chockle the Blob, and the Crunchberry Beast. He is survived by his unforgettable image, which will ghoulishly be used on cereal boxes for countless decades to come.

Crunch was laid to rest this morning at the Quaker Oats home offices in Chicago, Illinois. As a sign of respect, he was placed in the same crypt as the late King Vitamin.


Allen L. said...

no no no, not the captain!
I have a lovely cel of the cap ebing carted off by Lafoote, framed and....well, havent found a place for it.....
Not the Cap.

J.D. said...

CHILDHOOD IS DEAD!!!! What's the point in being a kid now?! WHAT?! [bawls] Sugary cereals are the purest form of joy for my people, and most kids I know aren't fat at all, not even husky. It's a sad, sad day.

Cap'n, we'll always miss you, and we'll always miss the one last purity.

Now, children are open more than ever to the evils of the world, and the same parents that led the mascots down the unemployment line will surely not even try to hide the terrors from us.

I'm sad now.

SamuraiFrog said...

Allen: That's pretty damn cool.

J.D.: Your generation is being abandoned, J.D. Abandoned! Mwa-ha-ha!

Damn, I wish they'd stop killing cartoons.

J.D. said...

Well, at least I've already left the fragility of my generation already. October 25, 2003, a day that live in infamy. ['taps']

Dr. Zaius said...

It's bad enough that people are ignoring cartoons, but killing them? Say it isn't true, say it isn't true!