15 thoughts, questions, and observations for the week.
1. Turns out Charlotte Church is pregnant. You should feel like an ass for making fun of her for being fat, but you won’t. Because you’re already an ass and you don’t understand that it’s not cool to slam a woman for not looking her best when she’s pregnant. I’m sure you looked like a million bucks while you were passing that kidney stone, Hercules.
2. Well, our long national nightmare is over. Rosie O’Donnell will not be on The View next season. Apparently, she wanted a ton of money, and ABC (and Disney) didn’t want the embarrassment anymore. Hey, whatever stops me seeing stories about how she and Donald Trump are loud assholes.
3. The media really needs to stop patting American Idol on the back for doing their “amazing” and “important” charity week. How much money did these people actually raise? This wasn’t a charity drive; this was a big commercial for FOX and a bunch of actors and nobodies to show how much they can really pretend to care. Except for Ellen DeGeneres announcing that she was going to donate $100,000, what else did they do? Give us film of Ryan Seacrest looking terrified to be out among African people? I know that American Idol absolutely loves to pretend that they’re an important, indispensable part of American culture, but standing around sucking their own dick doesn’t need to be celebrated by the media as genuine caring. Genuine caring doesn’t require celebration.
4. The media also needs to stop using “amazing” and “stunning” and “special” to describe Celine Dion’s singing a duet with old Elvis Presley footage, and start replacing it with words like “creepy” and “talentless” and “ghoulish” and “grave-robbing.”
5. Girls Gone Wild douchebag Joe Francis has been sentenced to 35 days for contempt of court, a number that will also allow the feds to tack a year onto his sentence should he be convicted of tax evasion. That ongoing case still has the potential of landing him 100 years of jail time, not only on the tax thing but also on contraband charges and a charge of using a minor in sexual performance. Never was a century of anal rape so deserved.
6. Kids, I told you once before: don’t do drugs and let someone videotape you. And don’t claim people are calling you an idiot for no reason, when the fact is you’re just an idiot.
7. Wow…they couldn’t have someone in airbrushing fix all of the ugly?
8. Jonathan Rhys-Myers went to rehab, which seems to be the hot new relaxation spa for celebrities. It’s no surprise he’s got problems with the bottle; I like him as an actor, but for the last couple of years, no matter what he’s in, he looks constantly stoned. But let me make one thing perfectly clear: I’d still blow him.
9. Lindsay Lohan is enjoying herself playing a junkie stripper so much in I Know Who Killed Me that she’s going to star in her director’s next picture, Hippy, which is basically a slasher movie about a killer on acid. It’s nice to see that Lindsay Lohan has finally realized she squandered her talent and is starring in the kind of movies more appropriate to her skill level.
10. Apparently, George Lucas hated Frank Darabont’s script for Indiana Jones and the 4pm Bedtime because it involved aliens and Roswell. That’s the story going around, anyway. But I don’t believe it’s true. I’ve read any number of the fake and real Indiana Jones IV scripts that have been going around for the last decade, and I read one back in ’98 or so called Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men which was the same thing. And if Darabont is ripping from one of those…well, he deserves to have George Lucas rip it apart.
11. I watched my girlfriend host Saturday Night Live last weekend and realized that the last time I actually watched the show was when she was on last season. Scarlett can get me to go anywhere. I liked her, but the show was pretty lame. Semaj recently said that currently SNL is all setup and no payoff, and boy is he ever right; they just can’t write a decent ending to a sketch anymore. No wonder those digital shorts are getting more and more popular: they’re the only thing on the show that’s really funny anymore. I just read that SNL is going to air a 2006/2007 season best of, but I can only imagine it must be 30 minutes long, mostly digital shorts, and will probably show “Dick in a Box” at least twice. Everything else will be Robert Smigel cartoons. And the funny part is, the cast is actually pretty good—no Jimmy Fallons fucking it up (though they could stand to finally get rid of Maya Rudolph already, for chrissakes)—but the writing is just terrible.
12. Well, Dino De Laurentis finally just up and bought the rights to remake Barbarella, just in case you were afraid it wasn’t going to suck. Kate Beckinsale is currently the favorite choice. It seems like they’ve been talking about a possible remake for at least a decade. Remember when John August was going to write it and Drew Barrymore was going to star? Halle Berry was mentioned for the role; so was Lindsay Lohan. De Laurentis apparently wanted to put Sienna Miller in the lead, which I just don’t really get. But Kate Beckinsale is currently top choice. The Daily Express says “the feeling is that Kate has just the right combination of beauty, humour and acting talent for the part.” Which is mystifying to me, as I’ve never seen that Kate Beckinsale has any of those three things. What she does have is a frightening inability to do any kind of accent well (witness her “moose-and-squirrel” Pottsylvanian accent in Van Helsing) and the ugliest boob job I’ve ever seen. Even worse than Posh Spice. So, at least there’s another movie I won’t have to ever see.
13. You know, it’s creepy enough when US Weekly does these things where they speculate on the youth of celebrities, but in their latest installment of “Would They Have Dated in High School?,” it does seem a little extra creepy to include pictures of Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood, considering that Wood, now 20, was in high school just a few years ago and Marilyn Manson, 38, graduated 20 years ago. I guess if Evan Rachel Wood always had a desire to date the school’s creepy, pervy janitor, the answer is yes. And in other Manson news, Marilyn Manson found a way to use Virginia Tech to get his name in the news. Way to exploit, Hackerella. He says that he was surprised when his music was blamed for Columbine, and he’s worried he’ll be blamed for Virginia Tech, too. Yeah, that would imply that someone’s actually listened to your shitty music for the past eight years, shack stack.
14. Jack Valenti, censorship enthusiast and former ratings board tyrant, finally died. I swear to God I’m usually not this petty, but…anyone else want to go with me and piss on his grave?
15. So, after seeing Alec Baldwin blow up at his daughter like an asshole, then beg to be let off of 30 Rock (the only good thing he had going for his career, showing what a dumb motherfucker he really is), then make a disgusting public apology, and then consult with Dr. Phil, the question must be asked: does this ass even have a private life anymore? Is there a single detail of Alec Baldwin that I don’t have to hear about? Seriously, Alec, Kim: do you ever think anything you don’t say? Do we have to be privy to every detail about your shitty marriage and pathetic, childish divorce? Because I find this kind of shit tiresome from Lindsay Lohan, and at least she has nice tits—what the hell chance do you think you have of me giving a shit?