What Is All This Orlando Bloom Stupid Fucking Nonsense?

God damn it, I just don't get this Orlando Bloom nonsense. He's a mediocre actor, he's far too pretty to take seriously, and his movies are mostly pants. But the girls who are into him are just as loud and inarticulate as Dane Cook fans. God forbid you insult their delicate little idol; they come right after you, making up all sorts of lies about him, like he's talented or he's masculine.

The girls who are into this guy fall into about three different categories. First and foremost, you have the 14 year-old girls who are afraid of masculinity and terrified by male secondary sexual characteristics. They like their fey lad because he's so absolutely sexually non-threatening, and they can imagine being on the cover of a lame-o pirate novel or braiding his oh-so-fine hair. The second category of Bloom fan is the woman nearing 30 who is already a biddy. She loves knitting, this one, and crafts, and considers romance novels literature. Probably she's very into horses and/or cats because she doesn't think people are easy to relate to and, frankly, she's afraid of human interaction. Again, Orlando's androgyny and total lack of sensuality are the factors that attract them. And they all think his shitty movies are glorious Hollywood epics.

The third type of Orlando Bloom fan is the only one I can respect: the cool older woman who likes old school androgynous glam rockers like Bowie or Ferry and just want to give him a ride. And that's about it. Most women are into sex or old enough to enjoy masculinity think Orlando's pretty ridiculous, and I don't think gay men consider him manly enough, either (at least not any I know).

Approrpriately enough, Orlando Bloom's first film role was playing a rent boy in Wilde. From there, he moved straight into The Lord of the Rings, playing a delicate, blond, light, girly elf. The role of Legolas doesn't really provide enough room for Bloom to fully embarrass himself as an actor. He just intensely glares, or looks at Aragorn with intense love and/or sexual longing, makes some smartass remarks, and doesn't do anything to ruin the mood. Which is nice, because I kind of think he'd be at home with a slightly different type of action.




From that horror, we get into Troy, which, as I've said before, is one of the gayest movies I've ever seen. First of all, it's called Troy. Second, none of the women are as pretty as the men, with their long, curly hair and their pretty, pretty robes. Really, only Brendan Gleeson, Sean Bean, and Eric Bana retain their masculinity, but they're just too manly not to. Brian Cox almost wins the award for most convincing drag queen, but Peter O'Toole just looks so pretty and delicate (plus, he gets all the mannerisms right). I hate this dilution of Homer's epic into a movie with nothing to say and no characterization. My fondest memory of the movie is the scene where Orlando is almost totally naked on camera, right down to the pubes. I didn't notice it, because I was too busy staring at the pretty, naked ass of Diane Kruger (even in that relationship, Orlando's still the bitch). But Becca just started laughing at his curly-lipped angelic femininity, and that actually induced other people in the theater to laugh. That was a great moment.

Kingdom of Heaven was actually too horrible for me to finish watching. It's typical of what's wrong with American movies today: too long, too full, and yet there's absolutely nothing going on. It's like Ridley Scott wanted to paint a picture of what boredom would actually look like if it could personify itself and take the shape of bad actors. How poor, wonderful Eva Green got locked into that one, I have no idea. By the way, Eva Green, if you've seen The Dreamers, is just the embodiment of how wonderful and ripe womanhood is. And even so, Orlando's the bitch. Famously, Orlando was supposed to wear a chest wig on his delicate little frame, because he can't grow hair on his chest. But the real worry of the film is that Orlando Bloom just does not make a convincing adult.

And then there's this pirate shit. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl was a cute movie. But it's also an hour too long. It suffers from the fact that, as actors, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley make pretty good mannequins. They're placeholders, holes in the screen waiting to be filled with personality, chemistry, and talent, and the wait is in vain. They're supposed to be the main story in that movie, but they're totally out-acted by Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush to the point that I just wished they had cut out Orlando and Keira all together. The sequel, Dead Man's Chest (which is a pretty good way to describe Keira Knightley, really), suffers from all the same problems, only more so. Too long, rather boring, and did anyone give a shit if beak-nosed, dead-eyed, overly-intense, sweaty-haired Orlando the Fay Pirate got to play chess with his boring dad? Even the screenwriters seemed to get tired of Will Turner, because they kept trying (badly--embarrassingly, even) to make Jack Sparrow more of a character, which didn't really work. Can't wait for the third movie--Orlando is less manly than every one of his co-stars (Depp, Rush, Chow Yun-fat, Keira Knightley). Should be funny.

So, there you have it. I don't understand how, based on that crap, Orlando Bloom is so beloved. I mean, his other movies are just total crap anyway: one of several faceless, interchangeable actors in Black Hawk Down; that Elizabethtown soundtrack commercial; getting acted off the screen by Heath Ledger in Ned Kelly, even with that being Ledger's worst performance (not counting Roar). Although that last one provides some laughs, since I find it hilarious that Rachel Griffiths--or really, any woman--would throw herself at Oily. I never liked Jake Gyllenhaal much, but he's way more manly than Oily. Jake Gyllenhaal getting his ass reamed by Heath Ledger in Brokeback Mountain is more manly than Oily. Oily doesn't look like he can begin to imagine what sex with a human is like. He'll go the way of Mark Hamill soon enough, only without the geek following. Girls who love Orlando Bloom: please don't feel the need to comment. All you ever say is "you're rude" and "you're wrong." And while I am rude, I'm actually right.

Orlando Bloom sucks.