Saturday, December 03, 2005
And here I find myself, at the age of 29, dreaming about having babies and taking care of children. Everyone I talk to agrees that the reason for this is that my girlfriend and I adopted a rabbit two months ago, and I suppose it is. And yet, for some reason, I can't get the notion of fatherhood out of my mind.
But the rabbit is also an indicator of how bad I would be at taking care of a child on a day-in day-out basis. This rabbit, Thumper, is a year and a half old, and his previous owners didn't exactly lavish care upon him (when we adopted him he still had stains on his fur from sitting in his own urine). He's still aloof and shy; it's only been recently that, when he's out of his cage, he lays on the floor instead of hiding behind the floor-length blinds. He doesn't like us to pet him very much, and he'll bite you before he lets you pick him up. And some days, it just frustrates me how much he just seems to refuse to let me touch him, and my first reaction is to just get mad and stop taking care of him. I don't yell at him or anything lame like that; I just start to ignore him and I get a little upset.
Why does this bother me so much? Is it because I'm afraid that at he's never going to get used to me? Sometimes I manage to convince myself that he just doesn't like me and doesn't want me to touch him. Maybe I just suck with pets; deep down, I'm afraid to have them, because all of my pets died or were taken away from me. And this is just a rabbit! Can you imagine if it was a baby? I guess I just don't have the patience for that.
Besides, the only thing I've ever concretely said about having children is that if I had a daughter I would let her invite as many girlfriends as she wanted for sleepovers as often as she wanted, and that I would spank her until she was twenty years old. So, I'm not exactly father material, yeah?