Saturday, September 10, 2005

Morgan Spurlock in AN OSCAR STORY by SamuraiFrog

Hey, I'm Morgan Spurlock, Genius. Alone among the human race, I realized that eating at McDonald's can make you fat. And I used that realization to make a character piece about myself that I was somehow able to pass off as a documentary! Yay, me! Hey, want to see me do something funny? I mean, I am a total publicity whore!

Hee hee hee! Me want Oscar! Me hug like little boy with need for self-esteem through attention! Me take home! Me want! Me me me me me me me!

Heh. Stupid white people.

Motherfucker. I'm the humor talent in this room. Represent!

Taco chihuahua le mierda chilupa de yip yip!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Look, honey, a retard. Isn't it cute?

That's good. Heh heh heh.

Mm, yes, humorous.


HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Oh, Christ, that is pants-shittingly funny! Wha-HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Oh, there it goes! HAHAHAHAHA! POOP!

Seriously, Marty, take a pill. It's not THAT funny.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's the funniest fuckin' thing anyone's ever done! I can't breathe! HAHAHAHAHA!

Stupid American idiots. This is not funny. I am going home.

I hear you, Frenchie. I mean, I don't even dig this, and I'm Jamie Foxx, you feel me?

Would you like to take me home so that I CAN feel you, Mr. Black Man?

I'm high on X right now, so this is mildly amusing.

Nobody knows who I am.

(*unintelligible muttering*)

WHOOOO! I LOVE ATTENTION! Hey, watch me, I'm gonna hump this thing right here!

My God...will he do it? Will he cross the final frontier? What a brave, brave, needy man, desperate for validation.

Hmm, I wonder how I'll do my hair tonight...

Yay! Everyone's watching me! Hey, watch me lay down Oscar and give it what for! 30 days, baby!

Alright, this has gone on long enough. I'm going to ditch this scene and find me some bitches. Peace out, yo.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *choke* Oh, man, that is comedy genius, I tell ya! I can't get enough! HAHAHAHAHA!

Hey, Leo, how'd you like to play this guy in a movie? I smell Oscar! Hey, that could be the name of the movie: "I Smell Oscar," a moderately competent workmanlike film by Martin Scorsese.


It's as though I can feel every individual strand of hair... Wooooo...

Enougha this shit! I'm putting the focus of the Oscars back to its rightful place: the old!

Oh, yeah! Gimme that! Yeah, you like that, huh, bitch! Take it! Fuck you, Spurlock!

Coward. I knew Spurlock would bitch out. They always do.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, fuck, it's even funnier now! Oh, Jesus! *wheeze* Ow, my heart! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Man, this is some fucked up, unfunny shit.

Oscars, man. I mean...woooow, Oscars...

Wow, hey, Warren Beatty! I need more attention! Can I hump YOU for the cameras?

I would so do me right now.


Friday, September 09, 2005

Football Season Is Over, by Hunter S. Thompson

"No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun - for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax - This won't hurt."

This was Gonzo's suicide note, which is being reprinted everywhere (including Rolling Stone). I think suicide is cheap and cowardly, and Dr. Thompson's was no different. I'm sorry he's gone. We need him right about now. Posted by Picasa

Thursday, September 08, 2005

But Didn't You Miss Uni in the Movie?

Much love to the baby unicorn, yo. Posted by Picasa

Where's My Shows At?

With every show in history seeming to come out on DVD these days, I’d like to humbly present the ten TV series I wish would be released on disc.

(27 episodes; aired on Fox, 1993-94)
There are a lot of people who want to see this one-season wonder released on DVD. Famously, this show starred Bruce Campbell as Western hero Brisco County Jr, who was on the trail of the outlaw Bly (Billy Drago), the man that killed his father (R. Lee Ermy). Bly’s activities centered on a mysterious orb from the future which he was trying to find before Brisco did. This fun series was like Indiana Jones, only more tongue-in-cheek and self-mocking. If the show has a parallel it’s to the SF Western series The Wild, Wild West. Created by the late, great Jeffrey Boam (who wrote Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade) and Carlton Cuse (now a writer on Lost).

(45 episodes; aired on NBC 1985-87)
Steven Spielberg produced this classic anthology series, which was his star-studded answer to the 1985 revival of The Twilight Zone. Though this series took its name from the classic SF pulp anthology, most of the episodes were original stories. I used to love this series, and boxed sets would be a great way to get the entire thing. Star directors who worked on this series include Spielberg himself, Bob Clark (of A Christmas Story fame), Burt Reynolds, Clint Eastwood, Joe Dante, Paul Bartel, Martin Scorsese, Danny DeVito, Robert Zemeckis, and Brad Bird, who wrote and directed "Family Dog," the animated segment which became a short-lived series. Great, great stuff.

(21 episodes; aired on ABC, 1987-88)
Do you remember this cheesy sitcom? It was about Snow White and Prince Charming, who were put under a spell a thousand years ago by the evil Queen Lillian, and they wake up with their children in California in 1987. It was probably very stupid, but I saw it as a kid, so I have fond memories of it, and I’d like to check the thing out again. Ted McGinley-lite Christopher Rich starred as Eric Charming, Judy Parfitt played the queen, and the best part of the show was always the late Paul Winfield as the wisecracking Magic Mirror. It had a pretty dedicated following, as I recall.

(27 episodes; aired on ABC, 1983-85)
You all remember this one; it was the single best cartoon series that ran in the 1980s, but has yet to receive the same lavish treatment as far, far lesser series like Transformers and, get this, Thundercats, and even freaking Masters of the Universe are getting right now. This show is what that horribly crappy movie should have been in the first place; six modern kids get sucked into the world of the famous role-playing game while on an amusement park ride, and are given weapons by the mysterious Dungeon Master to fight the evil Venger, who is pursuing them for reasons of his own. Exciting and creative, despite the cute touches that everyone bitched about (give it up for Uni, y’all). Such great writers as Paul Dini, Mark Evanier, and Steve Gerber worked on this show, too, which means it told actual stories instead of advertising a toy. Eat it, Optimus Prime.

(24 episodes; aired on the WB, 1995)
I LOVED this cartoon series from the mind of Paul Dini, who created the classic Batman: The Animated Series and would next move on to Superman: The Animated Series (interestingly, he’s now a story editor on Lost). This cartoon was developed with Steven Spielberg; it was originally meant to be a serious superhero show, but Spielberg decided to change it at the last minute to a wacky comedy more in the vein of his Animaniacs. But the disjointed, bizarre nature of the show became its calling card. And it was funny.

(26 episodes; aired on NBC, 1990)
This sitcom was a parody of the soap opera format in some senses, and I don’t remember much about it except that it had Pamela Reed, Joel Murray, Michael McKean, and John Neville on it. I remember thinking it was quite funny, but I could be wrong. When I was in junior high, I thought Wings was funny, too. And does anyone remember another soap opera parody called Good vs. Evil with Margaret Whitton and Teri Garr?

(73 episodes; aired on Fox, 1990-93)
This was another one of those shows about a kid growing up (Malcolm in the Middle reminds me of it somewhat), but it was just really, really clever. Much more so than the shitty Ferris Bueller series, which premiered at the same time, and the terribly over-earnest Wonder Years. Trust me, it was awesome.

(10 episodes; aired on CBS, 1989)
Jeffrey Jones starred as Walter Kellogg, a cartoonist whose drawings came to life. It was a sitcom created by Wes Craven, and was so unpopular that only five of its ten episodes aired before it was cancelled. Strangely, though, I have memories of seeing this show, and I thought it was great. I wish they’d put it out and let people decide once again whether or not it was as funny as I remember.

(20 episodes; aired on CBS, 1982)
First of all, the theme song was by the Waitresses, not Killer Pussy. And it was Sarah Jessica Parker and Amy Linker, not Jennifer Connelly, like I keep hearing. This high school sitcom was created by Saturday Night Live writer Anne Beatts and was a pretty damn funny show. Jami Gertz also starred. Pure rad 80s.

(19 episodes; aired on CBS, 1986-87)
I’ve never even seen this show, which starred David Rappaport as Simon McKay, an inventor and toymaker who travels the world to fight evil. How could that not be a great show? David Rappaport? Wild gadgets? Spies? Awesome! David Rappaport is one of my favorite actors–I love him so much, I once watched an episode of Mr. Belvedere because he was on it. Sadly, the show ended because Rappaport committed suicide.

I don’t know if any of these will ever come to DVD, or even if they all deserve to, but at least they’re better choices than Tales of the Gold Monkey or The Powers of Matthew Star...

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Goin' Down to the City of New Orleans

Are you looking to help out victims of Hurricane Katrina, but (rightly) assume that writing checks to relief funds is not going to help immediately? You can make a donation or volunteer here at the Veterans for Peace. They accept PayPal donations if you want to help the poor citizens out. It's not like the feds are doing anything about it.

That's been the news for several days, hasn't it? The federal government's response to Hurricane Katrina. It's just coming out today that Michael Brown, head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, waited for five hours after the hurricane hit to seek approval from the Department of Homeland Security to jackboot 1000 of its workers to, you know, save the lives of Americans. Isn't the entire point of Homeland Security to save the lives of Americans, or is it just the new Republican Sturmabteilung? I mean, those people in New Orleans are already dead, right? Shouldn't we be focusing on protecting our children from the sight of boobs? Jesus Christ, people, I haven't seen a case of mixed-up priorities this bad since... well, since we were attacked by Saudi terrorists and invaded Iraq instead. Or since Darth Dubya felt that sitting in a classroom with children while he decided what to do was actually more important than responding to that same attack. For fuck's sake, why is this guy still in office?

Bush actually has the balls to blame bureaucracy for the massive failure to respond to the needs of the citizens he dares to preside over. Shameful, "sir," shameful. Mr. Bush, you are, of course, the head of the very bureaucracy you're condemning. Doesn't this seem like some kind of creepy way for him to just take more direct control of the government. That fucker will use any emergency as an excuse to give himself and his daddy's cronies more power. Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but where exactly where you during the shit-storm that destroyed the lives of thousands of people? Playing golf in Crawford? Walking around in your cowboy costume and congratulating yourself on how much "work" you did on your annual month-long vacation? You are a disgrace.

And I just want to say this to anyone who voted for Bush and is just now realizing what an incapable idiot he is: this is partially your fault. You knew he was a bad guy when he went he was begging to be re-elected. He was sending your kids to die in Iraq so that gas prices could be raised and we could install a religious government over there (maybe). You knew this. And you still voted for him, because he was more attractive than John Kerry, or because he was less boring. You stupid idiots went for the flashy box, and now that you've seen it was just a polished turd inside, you're crying over it. Well, fuck you. You learned your lesson the hard way. A lot of good your sudden realization does us now.

Sean Hannity was blowharding on the radio last week about the number of Homeland workers in New Orleans right now. He asked something like: "What if a terrorist attack occured right now? All of our workers in New Orleans make us vulnerable!" Again, saving the lives of Americans seems to be less important than protecting the pampered from a bomb. But his idiot ranting does bring up an important point that I'll let Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine) make: "If our system did such a poor job when there was no enemy, how would the federal, state and local governments have coped with a terrorist attack that provided no advance warning and that was intent on causing as much death and destruction as possible?"

Well, that's a great question. It kind of shows America, and the world, how badly prepared for another terrorist strike our government really is. We should have been evacuating people long before the hurricane hit. We all knew they had to get out. Where was government aid then? Well, it was on vacation. All of our helicopters were busy conquering Iraq in the name of Halliburton. The government had been warned that the levees wouldn't hold in Louisiana if a flood hit as early as 2003. Don't let anyone tell you different. Don't let Bush's theatrical rendering of surprise fool you. The flashy box has nothing in it.

How many more times must you be taught that the government does not give a shit about you? It's only there to perpetuate and protect itself. And until those rich assholes are in the same boat we are, and as scared and vulnerable as we are, it will not change.

We're all in this together.


Greta Garbo had such real presence. There is no other actress that comes close. And to think she did her best work between the ages of 21 and 32. Makes you feel a little shortchanged by the actresses we get today, don't it? Posted by Picasa