Saturday, September 10, 2005

Morgan Spurlock in AN OSCAR STORY by SamuraiFrog

Hey, I'm Morgan Spurlock, Genius. Alone among the human race, I realized that eating at McDonald's can make you fat. And I used that realization to make a character piece about myself that I was somehow able to pass off as a documentary! Yay, me! Hey, want to see me do something funny? I mean, I am a total publicity whore!

Hee hee hee! Me want Oscar! Me hug like little boy with need for self-esteem through attention! Me take home! Me want! Me me me me me me me!

Heh. Stupid white people.

Motherfucker. I'm the humor talent in this room. Represent!

Taco chihuahua le mierda chilupa de yip yip!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Look, honey, a retard. Isn't it cute?

That's good. Heh heh heh.

Mm, yes, humorous.


HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Oh, Christ, that is pants-shittingly funny! Wha-HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Oh, there it goes! HAHAHAHAHA! POOP!

Seriously, Marty, take a pill. It's not THAT funny.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's the funniest fuckin' thing anyone's ever done! I can't breathe! HAHAHAHAHA!

Stupid American idiots. This is not funny. I am going home.

I hear you, Frenchie. I mean, I don't even dig this, and I'm Jamie Foxx, you feel me?

Would you like to take me home so that I CAN feel you, Mr. Black Man?

I'm high on X right now, so this is mildly amusing.

Nobody knows who I am.

(*unintelligible muttering*)

WHOOOO! I LOVE ATTENTION! Hey, watch me, I'm gonna hump this thing right here!

My God...will he do it? Will he cross the final frontier? What a brave, brave, needy man, desperate for validation.

Hmm, I wonder how I'll do my hair tonight...

Yay! Everyone's watching me! Hey, watch me lay down Oscar and give it what for! 30 days, baby!

Alright, this has gone on long enough. I'm going to ditch this scene and find me some bitches. Peace out, yo.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *choke* Oh, man, that is comedy genius, I tell ya! I can't get enough! HAHAHAHAHA!

Hey, Leo, how'd you like to play this guy in a movie? I smell Oscar! Hey, that could be the name of the movie: "I Smell Oscar," a moderately competent workmanlike film by Martin Scorsese.


It's as though I can feel every individual strand of hair... Wooooo...

Enougha this shit! I'm putting the focus of the Oscars back to its rightful place: the old!

Oh, yeah! Gimme that! Yeah, you like that, huh, bitch! Take it! Fuck you, Spurlock!

Coward. I knew Spurlock would bitch out. They always do.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, fuck, it's even funnier now! Oh, Jesus! *wheeze* Ow, my heart! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Man, this is some fucked up, unfunny shit.

Oscars, man. I mean...woooow, Oscars...

Wow, hey, Warren Beatty! I need more attention! Can I hump YOU for the cameras?

I would so do me right now.


Friday, September 09, 2005

Football Season Is Over, by Hunter S. Thompson

"No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun - for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax - This won't hurt."

This was Gonzo's suicide note, which is being reprinted everywhere (including Rolling Stone). I think suicide is cheap and cowardly, and Dr. Thompson's was no different. I'm sorry he's gone. We need him right about now. Posted by Picasa

Throwdown 9/9

15 random thoughts, questions, and observations for the week.

1. So, why the media blackout over New Orleans? Just like with Iraq, the government (which is only supposed to guarantee us freedom of the press, after all) is disinclined to allow pictures from the cleanup in New Orleans to hit the media outlets. Why? Just answer me that one question: why? The only possible explanation is that the government is doing something they don’t want us to see. How exactly are they treating these people? They’re American citizens, for fuck’s sake.

2. And the best place to put the toxic flood water is in Lake Pontchartrain? Not in the Mississippi, which will wash it out to sea? No, you decided to put it in the lake, so that it will fester there, seep into the ground, and make New Orleans a biohazard for generations? Oh, nicely done, assholes.

3. Today’s reason why I love Scarlett Johansson (for I love her every day): she’s been talking about the pressure to be thin and how it can fuck you up, and warns young starlets not to take it very seriously. "Everyone in Hollywood is so damn skinny, and you constantly feel like you’re not skinny enough," she says. "I accept that I’m never going to be rail thin." Ladies, don’t give in to the bullshit, because guys don’t really like thin women as much as you think they do. We just have a tendency to play into that stereotype because we think we have to, like there’s something masculine about having slight, slender women. But anthropologists have shown that, throughout time and across cultures, men are attracted to plump roundness more than anything else. It’s because those women look like they can have a child or live through the winter or not die if there’s a crisis. Scarlett, I love you for saying that. And you look so fucking beautiful.

4. The internet was all abuzz this week as Warner Bros. revealed a picture of Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor in the new Superman movie. Guys, it’s just a picture of Kevin Spacey bald; put it back in your pants and stop humping the chair.

5. Frances Bean Cobain said in Teen People that she was somewhat embarrassed by her mother, Courtney Love’s, sense of style. Babe, if that’s the only thing she does that embarrasses you, you are heroically well-adjusted.

6. Okay, Elijah Wood is going to play Iggy Pop in a movie? Is he, like, the 98-pound weakling version of Iggy, and then, like, he gets sand kicked in his face and pumps iron and becomes, like, Christian Bale or someone with muscles? And without the babydoll voice?

7. Daryl Hannah really wants children. She’s 44, and she has yet to meet the right man, so she’s considering adoption. You know, if she really wants to have a baby, I personally really want a week of no-strings sex with Daryl Hannah. So, you know, I’m just putting it out there.

8. Ben Affleck has been giving up the party life because of his impending fatherhood. Now if only he would give up acting...

9. Oh, if you’re interested, Gilligan died. I hate that show, and I really don’t care, but everyone’s making a big deal out of it. Meh.

10. Well, I see Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong are planning to make their adultery legal. Where’s Mrs. Armstrong these days? You know, the one who stuck by him during his ordeal with cancer? The one who was good enough for him before he started realizing he could bang famous chicks?

11. This is how much people hate Steven Spielberg: Mohammed Daoud, the only surviving terrorist from the group Black September (the group behind the 1972 Munich Olympic attacks, which are being dramatized in Spielberg’s new movie Munich, now filming in Budapest), is still on the run from authorities. But he was so incensed by Spielberg’s pro-Israeli sentiments that he called up Reuters to tell them that "[Israel] carried out vengeance against people who had nothing to do with the Munich attack, people who were merely politically active or had ties with the PLO." He would like to sit down with Spielberg and tell him the truth of the story. Dude, when terrorists are calling your movie out as bullshit, you’ve hit a new low.

12. Congratulations to the guy who bought a New Year’s Eve date with Paris Hilton in an auction for hurricane relief. He only paid $200,000; he probably got her pretty cheap. No diamonds, no, um, substances. She’ll probably spend the whole night not paying much attention to him, but maybe he can guilt her into a handjob or something (stay away from the oral–we’ve seen the tape, she’s not very good at it).

13. Oprah Winfrey tells her famous friends to help with the hurricane relief effort. Well, if Oprah says so... God, is she the most narcissistic bitch who ever lived, or what? I’m putting her above even Celine Dion and Madonna here, people. At least they knew when it was time to lay low.

14. So, Kanye West says that George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people? Well, guess what Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea? Bush doesn’t care about black people. Are we surprised? Name one thing he’s done for black people. He. Does. Not. Care. You know, unless he’s executing them. All he cares about are his rich, white cronies. Der. And good for other people for supporting what he said. Matt Damon says that the White House Press Corps "should have their credentials taken away. Not one of them asked a question of the guy." Well, he’s right, too. Why is our president so secretive and willing to act on his own supposedly absolute authority?

15. Look, I’ve said it before, but he never seems to listen, so here it is in bold: SEAN PENN, SHUT THE FUCK UP. He goes out on his own, hires a camera crew, and then personally rescues 40 people in New Orleans. Okay, we get it, you care. Of course, if you really cared, you’d be down there helping without the camera. It’s nice that he helped some people, but why does he always want a hug for his efforts? Oh, and to the international community: THIS MAN DOES NOT SPEAK FOR US. He is a self-important gasbag that you don’t have to pay any attention to. What a fucking dick.