Saturday, August 27, 2005

In Praise of Black Chicks

Every so often, I get told in some way that my strong sexual hunger for black women is somehow racially insensitive. I'm not sure why. Do they think it's some sort of imperialist master/slave thing? Actually, I enjoy that more with young blondes. Maybe some people are offended by it because they think I'm attracted to black women simply because they're black. The truth is, I'm just attracted to women because, you know, they're hot. Then, if the woman is hot, whatever is unique or interesting about her is what gives me the attraction. Some women I love because I find them interesting, or I like the way they say something, or they're very talented. Some women I love because they have big noses. Some women I love because they have big asses. Black, white, whatever they are, if I'm attracted to a woman, it's because I find her sexy. Now, if one of those women happens to be black (how I despise that phrase), then--and only then--does her being black enter into it. But, can I just ask this question: what's so wrong with finding black women attractive just because they're black? I mean, forgive me for using a hackneyed phrase, but black is beautiful. It's erotically thrilling because their skin is different, their features are different. Yes, every person should be judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. But the appreciation of beauty is purely aesthetic. And by God, black chicks tend towards the beautiful, don't they? Posted by Picasa

Friday, August 26, 2005

I just know some evil genius has that ray...

Hell, did you see Matthew Broderick in The Stepford Wives? What's happened to him? He used to be Ferris Bueller, but not he looks like someone hit him with the Steve Buscemi Ray and turned it all the way up to Ghost World. I bet if they did Ferris Bueller's Day Off 2 he'd be playing hooky from work in the UPS administration office or from high school counseling or something. How the cool will tumble... Posted by Picasa

Jess and Wonder Woman

I never even thought about Jessica Simpson and Lynda Carter being in the same movie. Wow, that is so cool. She's taking over every one of my childhood crushes; Lynda Carter, Daisy Duke... I don't supposed she'd be interested in playing Sheena, Queen of the Jungle, next?

Throwdown 8/26

15 random thoughts, observations, and questions for the week.

1. Gwen Stefani is boycotting this weekend’s MTV Video Music Awards, despite being one of the most-nominated artists this year, because the planners so rudely didn’t offer her the chance to perform this year. Wow, Gwen’s just a girl. Just an obnoxious, self-entranced, rude little diva girl.

2. Let’s update that last one: Hurricane Katrina looks set to fuck up the VMAs altogether, which is absolutely fucking hilarious. You could argue that even God doesn’t want Sean "Dip Shitty" Combs to host an awards show.

3. Quick question about the "church" of scientology: if it’s all so beneficial, why are they afraid to share with everyone exactly how the "church" works and how the "religion" is organized? I mean, even the Jews, who have historically (and wrongly) been accused of being secretive, are pretty upfront about their religion and how it works. Why? Because they want to share it with people. But you can’t find anything out about scientology until you pay them a ton of money. What the fuck, alien worshippers?

4. Jenny McCarthy filed for divorce. Ah, she’s been receiving my psychic signals...

5. If you shortened the name "Natalie Portman," you get the words "natal port." Ewww...

6. Man, what the hell happened to Natasha Lyonne? She was missing, and then she’s found in a hospital with a myriad of very, very serious problems and has possibly been using heroin? What is it that happens to these actresses? She’s got some serious problems that seem to have come out of nowhere; Tara Reid, you’re up next.

7. I’m not quite sure why or how Entertainment Weekly thinks it’s cute for Eragon author Christopher Paolini to review Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I mean, doesn’t it sound a little condescending for an 18 year-old who’s only had two novels published to say "One of the great pleasures of these novels has been watching Rowling’s storytelling skills develop. And she certainly spreads her wings [here]"? Especially since the little bastard (who always looks so fucking smug in photos) has her to thank for getting his overlong Tolkien pastiche published. Without the success of Harry Potter, publishers wouldn’t have been on the lookout for long, multi-part fantasy epics written for children (and the fact that it’s written by a child is merely a hook and, as I’ve been told, a sad indicator of quality). Well, at least Rowling’s never written a line as bad as "she set his insides churning with a mixture of odd sensations he could not identify." That’s bush league, son; next stop: romance paperbacks.

8. Must we have all of these news stories about the stars of Desperate Housewives? Bunch of untalented old hags. Even the young one is an old hag with no ass.

9. A teenage actress, Scout Taylor-Compton, was reported missing this week (she’d been missing since 12 August). They found her yesterday at a friend’s house, where she’d been staying for the last couple of weeks. The San Bernardino County Police described her as being in good condition, and said she cooperated with the police. Apparently, she just ran away from home. Man, 16 years old. How hard must her parents have been working her to just run off like that? Being a kid fucking sucks, doesn’t it? Apparently, even if you’re an actress. At least she has just two more years before she can move out.

10. Russell Crowe had to pay a "low six-figure" settlement to that guy he supposedly threw a phone at. You just know it’s at least a quarter mil. I never saw the dude he chucked the phone at, but you just figure it has to be one of those frosted-tip lavender boys who always try to help you at bookstores and hotels, desperately afraid you’ll see through their lazy "straight guy" disguise, and yet they’re never gay, they’re just really weak. Bet he screamed like a girl, too, when he saw that phone coming at him. Jesus, America, suck it up and stop suing everyone just because they made you a little uncomfortable. If I was the judge I would’ve taken one look at this case and asked: "The phone didn’t hit you, did it? No? Then suck it up, son. It’s life, get a helmet and stop suing everyone who dares to not like you. This is the legal system, not a way for you to get your petty little revenge or teach the actor a lesson for taking displeasure in your work." Jesus, this country is full of assholes.

11. If Justin Timberlake can take "substantial damages" off of The News of the World just because they said he had sex with Lucy Clarkson, this is a sad, sad world. Dude, I want people to claim I had sex with Lucy Clarkson. Remember, tell everyone you know online that SamuraiFrog had sex with Lucy Clarkson. Allegedly.

12. Scarlett Johansson got involved in a minor car accident after trying to avoid the paparazzi. Man, we just won’t be happy until we kill all the celebrities, will we? Jeez, only half of them deserve to die.

13. Since an actor can’t slap a paparazzo in the face without getting sued, Heath Ledger’s taken to throwing eggs at them. Ridiculous, but incredibly funny.

14. Actor Brock Peters died this week. Man, was he really 78? Seems like just a moment ago he was busting up my old chiffarobe. Great actor.

15. Also dead this week is Dr. Robert Moog, inventor of the Moog synthesizer. I think we should all listen to some prog rock this week and celebrate the awesomeness of the Moog. Soft Machine, Camel, Caravan, King Crimson, Yes, Jethro Tull, early Genesis, Moody Blues, Pink Floyd, Rick Wakeman, Gentle Giant, ELP, ELO, Frank Zappa, Adrian Belew, England, Kansas, Peter Gabriel, Eno; ‘sall good.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Bad Wording

Recently, Empire magazine did a list called "50 Five Star Movies You've Never Heard Of." Actually, I've heard of 41 of them. I've only seen 13, but at least two of them are truly bad movies. But thanks for the condescension...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Summer at the Movies 2005: Mostly a Waste of Time

Back at the end of April, I rolled down the Summer 2005 movie preview and gave my own opinions on how these movies look. Well, since it's all died down now and we've seen how this summer sucked worse than a lot of previous summers, here's a few end of the season observations.

Kingdom of Heaven may, in fact, have buried the sword-and-sandal genre for another 20 years. And I think it probably deserves the burial (very little people will be attending the funeral).

Monster-in-Law did better than I predicted; is Jennifer Lopez back? I think a lot of it had to do with Jane Fonda, really.

Madagascar: Apparently, everyone else is sick of the DreamWorks in-joke parade, too.

Batman Begins was, in fact, better than I hoped it would be. Thankfully.

Turns out that Herbie: Fully Loaded was not the last Lindsay Lohan movie I would ever see in a theater–Mean Girls was. I didn’t even get out to see this thing.

Unsurprisingly, you all went to see War of the Worlds. Well done, you predictable automatons.

Do you know anyone that saw Dark Water? I don’t.

I don’t know a single person who went to see Fantastic Four, and I think it’s because no one wants to admit to it. Must have been as disappointing as I figured it would be. Thank you, America, for not pushing this one into the stratosphere. And also for proving that you won’t go to see a movie just because Jessica Alba’s in it, even though Fox banked on you doing just that.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was way, way better than I thought it would be.

Turns out I did love The Devil’s Rejects, even more than House of 1000 Corpses. And God bless Sherri Moon Zombie, and may Matt McGrory rest in peace.

Wow, who could have seen The Island failing so badly? I have to admit, I’m surprised. It actually looked pretty good and had a decent cast.

Well, The Brothers Grimm got pushed from 29 July to 26 August, but at least it finally came out, right? Right?

The trailers for Must Love Dogs proved that John Cusack doesn’t look a day under 59. You might want to tone down the old man black hair dye, sir.

Movies that failed to come out: Doom (8/5), The Pink Panther (first 8/5, then 7/22), Domino (8/19), Zu Warriors (8/19, YET AGAIN!).

Where the hell is Mike Judge’s movie?

The 40 Year-Old Virgin ended up being really, really funny, despite some misgivings I had.

As yet, I’ve only seen The Dukes of Hazzard once (I predicted seven, based on the fact that I saw Mean Girls five times). But when I finally get my school money next week...oh, man.

Roll on the fall parade of Oscar bait, then.

Film Week

A review of the films I've seen this past week.

A Dario Argento horror film about a young American student (Jennifer Connelly) who can communicate psychically with insects. She attempts to use a corpse-eating beetle to find a killer, who has been murdering young girls from her school. Beautifully shot, of course, with a fascinating score–no one uses music to as much effect as Italian directors (Sergio Leone did, too). One of Argento’s strongest films as far as characterization goes. And one of the best movie chimps ever! **** stars.

Yet more Argento, this one starring his 21 year-old daughter Asia as a cop who is brutally raped by a madman, and then goes mad herself. An engaging mystery that’s hard to turn away from (despite some of Argento’s most graphic violence, which is really saying a lot). Asia is, of course, wonderful–one of her strongest performances ever, as she goes back and forth between emphasizing her masculine and feminine qualities. A little more brutal than usual, but still classic Argento. ***1/2 stars.

Basically a terrible attempt to remake American Graffiti as a raunchy sex comedy. The only problems are, it isn’t sexy and it isn’t funny. Negligible nudity, and absolutely zero laughs. What does it say about your film that the most popular guy in town is Tony Danza (who is the leader of a gang who calls themselves the Hollywood Knights), and that the film’s big, fresh "go to" comedy lead is Robert fucking Wuhl? Shitty, shitty movie that some asshole comes along and remakes every couple of years. I do confess, I watched it early one morning because Fran Drescher has a big role in it, and I fell in love with her when I was 13. Not a single fucking star.

KINSEY (2004)
Wow; this movie was terribly underrated when it came out last winter. It felt like Kinsey was completely buried under a wave of Christian anti-knowledge activists, and a lot of chains didn’t show it. But it is an excellent movie, by an extremely talented director (Bill Condon, directing his first film since 1998's wonderful Gods and Monsters). Liam Neeson is always so good and believable, Laura Linney is wonderful, Peter Sarsgaard is excellent support, Timothy Hutton is almost nearly serviceable, and Chris O’Donnell is... well, he’s fucking Chris O’Donnell, isn’t he? Why am I still plagued by that man? Nevertheless, this is a beautiful film, very sensitive in its pursuit of the truth–both of Kinsey, and of the subject matter at hand. Somehow, Bill Condon has managed to take this subject and make it an honest, unflinching expose of just how much America is willing to lie to itself. **** stars.

An interesting film about a woman in her sixties (Anne Reid) who begins having an affair with her daughter’s boyfriend (Daniel Craig). It sounds sordid, but this story takes its time. Anne Reid’s performance slowly develops as she bears the death of her husband with terrible help from her ungrateful, selfish, disinterested son and daughter. When she discovers that her daughter is in love with the handyman–who is married with a child of his own–she agrees to try and talk to him about whether or not he is going to leave his wife. But a relationship develops between the two as she opens up for the first time about who she is and what she wants out of life. It’s quite moving, sometimes beautiful, and if the third act is a tad predictable, the ending is quite touching. From Roger Michell, who directed the surprisingly excellent Changing Lanes, another study of the surprises of human nature. For Anne Reid’s performance alone, this movie rates ***1/2 stars.

As the title implies, it’s Dangerous Liaisons set and made in 1960 (by Roger Vadim, no less). It shouldn’t really be surprising that this story works in almost any time period–the aristocracy has not changed much since pre-Revolution France; in fact, the upper classes seem to work hard to maintain their easy lives above the peasantry. Some interesting changes are made to this version: Mertuiel and Valmont are married, Cecile is Valmont’s cousin, and Tourvel has a child. But the story remains the same tragic yet delicious combination of love, romance, and glorious manipulation. Jeanne Moreau is excellent as Madame de Mertuiel, one of my favorite characters in all of literature, and Annette Vadim is quite good (and extremely beautiful) as Marianne Tourvel. **** stars.

When did Steve Carrel get so damn good? One of the best character-driven comedies I’ve seen in years, managing to be hilarious without being cruel to its central character (which would have been very easy, but very lame). A sweet movie, but extremely funny. **** stars.

A very boring Italian movie about how beautiful Sophia Loren is. That’s about 90% of the movies she’s in–look, isn’t she very beautiful and wonderful? Well, yes, but what about something engaging to watch? She marries an opera singer in this one, then they go broke and become caretakers at a house that’s supposed to be haunted. Meanwhile, there’s another man who loves Sophia, and he keeps stalking around her house, leading her husband to believe this man is really the ghost of the manor. Could have been funny, but its stunningly boring. * star, though it would be none if any less of an actress were in it.

Please note that Film Week has been indefinitely moved to Wednesdays in order to better fit my new semester schedule (Tuesday and Thursday, 8-5).

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Our Next Enemy?

This is President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, a country which supplies America with about 15% of its oil. He's also a staunch ally of Cuba, the tiny little nation that Americans still idiotically believe could destroy us all one day. According to Pat Robertson, he's turning Venezuela into a haven for "communism and Muslim extremism," and says he should be assassinated. That's what I love about Jesus enthusiasts; they never judge. Or Jesus didn't. Or something. Anyway, Chavez has accused the US in the past of attempting to topple his regime, but he was actually elected by his people, and if we support democracy, would we really just kill the guy? I mean, this is America: we'd never arbitrarily start a war against the leader of an oil-producing nation for absolutely no reason, would we? I mean, you know, again? Posted by Picasa

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Sunday Hottie 29