Friday, April 29, 2005

Language Junkie

I love language jokes. A friend of mine sent me this e-mail, and I had to share it.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.


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Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Chain, Chain, Chain

Frankly, I'm too tired and sick to do a lot of posting today (I have an idea how Merna feels), so I'm going to do this blog chain post that Becca did last night. Here's everything no one ever wanted to know about me.

1. What is your name? SamuraiFrog is good enough.
2. What color underwear are you wearing now? Dark blue (do you believe I had to check?).
3. What are you listening to right now? Lately I've been listening to a bunch of mix CDs, mostly glam rock.
4. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number? Why would I answer that?
5. What was the last thing you ate? Pudding.
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? Nude.
7. How is the weather right now? Cloudy; might rain today.
8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mother.
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Honestly? It's the eyes. But then it's the boobs. Sorry, I'm a guy.
10. Favorite food? Pizza is the most perfect food in nature.
11. Favorite drink? Pepsi, though I've slowed down since the blood pressure came back very high.
12. Favorite alcoholic drink? I don't drink very much.
13. Favorite place to shop? Tower Records, even though there isn't one remotely close.
14. Hair color? Brown.
15. Eye color? Blue.
16. Do you wear contacts? No, but I do wear glasses. Same boring aviator frames since right after high school.
17. Top or bottom? Either.
18. Favorite month? October or May--polar opposites, but they both are kind of the same as far as weather temperament.
19. Favorite fast food? Portillo's or Wendy's.
20. Last movie you watched? Houseboat, with Cary Grant and Sophia Loren.
21. Favorite day pf the year? Halloween.
22. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Not really. The worst she can say is no.
23. Summer or winter? Summer.
24. Hugs or kisses? Depends on from whom.
25. Chocolate or vanilla? Definitely chocolate.
26. What books are you reading? Jane Eyre, The God of Small Things, Camus's The Plague (all for classes), Hollywood Babylon II.
27. What's on your mouse pad? The rings of Saturn.
28. Favorite board game? Trivial Pursuit.
29. What did you do last night? Read, listened to music, and tried hard not to vomit (lost that battle, by the way).
30. Who inspires you? David Bowie, Norman Lindsay, Terry Gilliam, Harlan Ellison, Russ Meyer, Isaac Asimov, Charles Chaplin, Jim Henson, Walt Disney, Hunter S. Thompson and many others.
31. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn? Plain--blood pressure.
(I don't know why, but this suddenly jumps to 38.)
38. Favorite flower? Sunflowers.
39. First thing you say when you wake up in the AM? Great...
40. Do you still talk to your best friend from middle school? Yeah.
41. What's on your desk? Computer. I'm a boring guy.
42. Rock concert or symphony? They're both good, actually.
43. Play or opera? Either one's good, too.
44. Have you ever fired a gun? Several, but only at firing ranges. I was pretty good with a .30-.30 rifle at the age of 16. The .357 Magnum made my arms sore (lots of kick).
45. Do you like to travel by plane? I barely like to travel by car.
46. Right-handed or left-handed? Right-handed.
47. Smooth or chunky peanut butter? Smooth. Except sometimes, all I can think about is the legal limit of animal hair that's allowed in peanut butter.
48. How many pillows do you sleep with? Four.
49. City and state you were born in? Des Moines, Iowa.
50. Ever hitchhiked? No, I'm too much of a pussy.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Fucking Redneck Yuppies

I hate yuppies, I hate rednecks, and I hate my fucking downstairs neighbors. Honestly, living in an apartment sucks just for the sheer number of times a day you're reminded of the existence of other people in the world.

I lucked out when I came to college in the fall of 2001. My downstairs neighbors were my boring, quiet accountant sister, and her boring, quiet accountant boyfriend (now fiance). They moved out when they both graduated in May 2002, and since then, every year, it's been one stereo-loving asshole after another. Right now, there's a couple downstairs that actually hung up curtains--yeah, they're those type of yuppie posers who seem to think they're living somewhere a lot nicer than they are.

Now, I like loud music, and I like loud movies. But I don't get to indulge myself very often, because I'm almost pathologically self-conscious about not making a lot of noise. I live in an apartment (and before that, a condo since 1990), and I try to be considerate about the people who live below me. But the people downstairs, no matter who they are, get their first taste of not living with parents, and the volume control on their stereo goes right the fuck up.

These people we have right now are the worst, too, because their music is just so white. She's always playing Madonna or Garth Brooks, and he's always playing something that sounds like Journey doing a bad Dio impression. Last night, they had some sort of party, so the music was going from 2 in the afternoon to just after 11. I finally called the cops on them; they managed to shut up just before the police arrived (an hour after my call). Thanks for nothing, DeKalb Police Department. When I called to complain, the music was so loud it felt like someone was hitting my floor with hammers. I could hear the music below me--not the beat, the lyrics.

And that was the most pathetic part--these whooping losers and their drunken, giggling loser friends were playing a CD that I can only guess must be called Party Tunes for Yuppie Idiots Who Don't Know How to Party and singing along with the goddamn thing. I shouldn't have been surprised that every girl down there new the words to "Redneck Woman;" the song is about being stridently proud of being dumber than a pig in shit. But when the guys started rapping to "Baby Got Back"...

I goddamn hate these people, and I will have my revenge. Tomorrow morning at four AM, I think I'll vacuum the bedrooms.