Sunday, April 10, 2005

Fun with Objectification

My own thoughts on FHM's 100 Sexiest Women 2005.

100. Roselyn Sanchez: I loved her in Chasing Papi, but otherwise I forget about her.
99. Rebecca Romijn: Why does she look better since the divorce? Must be a guy thing...
98. Milla Jovovich: I love Milla, ever since Return to the Blue Lagoon in 1991. She's wonderful.
97. Natalie Gulbis: Who?
96. Brande Roderick: I think it's time we did a clean pop culture sweep and got rid of any girl who was ever on Baywatch. Brande was a Playmate, too, but not one of the sexier ones.
95. Alicia Keys: Yuck. Untalented, too.
94. Courtney Hansen: I don't know who this is.
93. Jennifer Hanson: Meh. Country singers are boring (except for Terri Clark and LeAnn Rimes).
92. Kelly Clarkson: She's sexier than ever, that's for sure.
91. Logan Tom: Who's he?
90. Kristi Leskinen: ???
89. Monica Bellucci: I'm sorry, but you'll be lucky to find 3 women sexier than Monica Bellucci, much less eighty-eight of them. Italians are so sexy, in such a classy way.
88. Jennifer Connelly: I've had a crush on her since I was ten. Now can she please gain 50 pounds?
87. Jaime Pressly: Still?
86. Marya Veronica: File not found.
85. Kelly Ripa: I think she's darn cute.
84. Alessandra Ambrosio: She's hot, but kind of bland, even for a model. On a side note, why are all the big models coming from Brazil these days? I just find that interesting.
83. Molly Sims: Yuck. She annoys me.
82. Denise Richards: I think pregnant women are hot, and she's looking better than ever to me. I always think she's too thin when she's not with child, anyway.
81. Ashanti: Yeah, right.
80. Sofia Vergara: She's one of the sexiest women on the planet; but she's dating Tom Cruise, so I guess that means that she'll get all thin and boring, like Penelope Cruz did. Why does Tom Cruise ruin all the hot Latinas?
79. Amanda Beard: Nope, don't know who she is.
78. Kaley Cuoco: Boring.
77. Rachel Bilson: Ultra-boring.
76. Shakira: I love this girl--where has she been the last 3 years?
75. Evangeline Lilly: I don't watch Lost, so I can't even picture her in my head.
74. Heather Graham: I will always love Heather Graham.
73. Morgan Webb: Again, who are these people?
72. Katie Holmes: Yeah, nice try, pal.
71. Kate Beckinsale: Her breasts look like two uncooked chicken wings. She is just gross and nasty.
70. Emma Bunton: The only Spice Girl to retain her sexy charm.
69. Nicole Kidman: She used to be so sexy, but since 2001 she's embarked on a course of hair-lightening, weight loss, and Botox that her looks are never going to recover from.
68. Catherine Zeta-Jones: Yes, I still love her, despite the incredible fullness of self she feels. Is it just me, or did she get even more work done to her face? We know her husband did, and he looks creepy.
67. Uma Thurman: Hot, hot, hot.
66. Neve Campbell: a.k.a. Dirk Squarejaw. Looks like a man. An ugly man.
65. Gisele Bundchen: She should be much higher, she has the most gorgeous eyes.
64. Sarah Michelle Gellar: Yeah, keep telling yourself that, guys.
63. Landi Swanepoel: No. Dear God, no.
62. Anna Kournikova: Aren't we done with her yet? She's boring.
61. Estella Warren: Cute, but not exactly sexy.
60. Kate Bosworth: Ew.
59. Amanda Righetti: I don't know who she is.
58. Maggie Gyllenhaal: She's finally grown into her looks; that sophisticated elfin thing she was always trying to do is finally looking good.
57. Jennie Finch: Nope, don't know her.
56. Lucy Liu: Yeah, she's still hot.
55. Katherine Heigl: She's cute, but she's losing too much weight.
54. Jenny McCarthy: I love Jenny, and she's looking better than ever. I'm glad she's back.
53. Eva Mendes: Incredibly sexy.
52. Mischa Barton: Ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly.
51. Penelope Cruz: Well, now that she's got herself a heterosexual man, her confidence is visibly back. She's put some of the weight back on, and she's looking more beautiful than she has in years.
50. LeAnn Rimes: WOW!
49. Natalie Portman: Too full of herself to be attractive; she always looks smug.
48. Anna Benson: Um...who?
47. Kate Hudson: Cute.
46. Eliza Dushku: Boring.
45. Elizabeth Hurley: Beautiful, but she's losing waaaaaaaay too much weight.
44. Maggie Grace: Don't know her.
43. Tara Reid: I think she's cute; much cuter than Paris Hilton, to whom she's often compared.
42. Jamie-Lynn DiScala: No, she isn't. Not at all. And she can't act, either.
41. Jennifer Aniston: No. And her breasts are fake, I don't care what she says.
40. Reese Witherspoon: She used to be cute-ish, but her insistence on never appearing in a single decent film is annoying. No, wait, Election was good. Otherwise, meh.
39. Adriana Lima: Love her.
38. Eva Longoria: I'm already tired of her. How can she be a Chicano and have no butt?
37. Janet Jackson: Gorgeous.
36. Josie Maran: Boring, but she has nice eyes.
35. Mandy Moore: Cute, but a terrible actress. Not sexy, but very pretty. She should be further down.
34. Beth Ostrosky: Well, she's Howard Stern's girlfriend, so what does that say about her?
33. Shania Twain: Beautiful, but full of herself.
32. The Olsen Twins: How unfortunate...a brief year of cuteness, and now...
31. Jennifer Lopez: I still find her beautiful, despite the fact that her movies and music and fashion totally suck. Can't we find something that she's good at? Maybe she should be a model.
30. Gwen Stefani: Excruciatingly sexy.
29. Faith Hill: Cute, but not sexy.
28. Kristin Kreuk: No.
27. Christina Aguilera: She's stunning, classic, sexy, beautiful (no matter what I say). Amazing.
26. Vida Guerra: Amazing butt, that's for sure, but she's kinda dull. My girlfriend thinks she looks retarded.
25. Heidi Klum: She has the best smile; I love her.
24. Jenna Jameson: I am so sick of this unattractive, spotlight-hogging, low self-esteemed woman. I really hate her.
23. Brooke Burke: Excellent body, but boring and not very pretty.
22. Jessica Alba: Cute, but vapid, talentless, and not at all sexy.
21. Jessica Biel: Go away, already.
20. Jennifer Love Hewitt: I feel kind of bad for her, because she seems kind of needy these days since her career has failed. She's got a pretty smile, though.
19. Maria Sharapova: The new Kournikova, only she bypassed sexy and went straight to Who Cares.
18. Carmen Electra: She's sexy, but I'm getting tired of her. All she talks about is Dave this and Dave that. Don't you have an identity outside of Dave Navarro?
17. Beyonce Knowles: I love her, even if she's wasting her time reuniting with Destiny's Child after putting out an incredible solo album. Destiny's Child sucks. Beyonce has a classic quality that I love.
16. Jessica Simpson: My heart belongs to her; she's gorgeous, adorable, and the perfect woman.
15. Mariah Carey: Still exquisite.
14. Leann Tweeden: Sexy.
13. Cameron Diaz: Ugh; I can't be the only person who's fucking sick of Cameron Diaz. She's not sexy anymore, and she's become the biggest bitch. She hates her fans, hates the paparazzi, hates herself, and hates the industry. Why don't you just go away?
12. Salma Hayek: Muy caliente!
11. Keira Knightley: Sorry, I'm not into ten-year-old boys.
10. Lindsay Lohan: Skank.
9. Scarlett Johansson: Gorgeous.
8. Pamela Anderson: What, is it 1995 again and someone forgot to tell me? Shit, I have to warn the world about Showgirls!
7. Teri Hatcher: Teri Hatcher's an ugly chick with an overrated Sunday night show who gets too much media coverage and always talks about how sexy she supposedly is. Shit, dudes, it is 1995!
6. Alyssa Milano: Lame; she's finally had too much work done to her face. How about a little shave off the ego, ma'am?
5. Halle Berry: Occasionally, she throws some sex appeal out there, but she's so annoying.
4. Charlize Theron: Way sexy.
3. Paris Hilton: Oh, Jesus, we've all had enough Paris Hilton! GO AWAY!
2. Jennifer Garner: I used to hate her, but when she smiles it makes the rest of the world look dark in comparison. I really, really like her.
1. Angelina Jolie: The right choice, for once. She is, in fact, the sexiest woman in the world. Thanks, FHM.