15 random thoughts, questions, and observations for the week.
1. George Lutz is upset by the new remake of The Amityville Horror, because he says the filmmakers didn’t respect his family enough to portray what happened with any accuracy. "Based on what I’ve read in interviews," he says of the film’s screenplay, "this kid thinks his script is the true story because that’s what he’s been told. He’s quite happy to look no further than that. A tremendous disservice has been orchestrated here...I am appalled at the lack of personal integrity in the name of hype and promotion." Strong words coming from a man who finally admitted that he made up the entire story about hauntings and possession. That would make a much more interesting film, but why be interesting when you can be Michael Bay?
2. Why is the relationship of Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth news? Who are these people? They’ve accomplished nothing. Hey, can you imagine Orlando Bloom ordering a cheeseburger. "Please, sir, give me a cheeseburger... with mozzarella cheese!" Everything he does is so intense when he acts, so needlessly over-the-top. William Shatner wants him to take it down a notch. He’d better hope they never stop making period dramas with a need for stolid heroics; put him in a contemporary drama and he’s pretty much fucked.
3. Oh my God, when is Nicole Richie going to, like, stop so totally copying every look Jessica Simpson does? I mean, come on!
4. Ben Affleck is set to make his directorial debut. We all know what that means: no other director wants that kiss of death starring in any of their movies, so he has to make his own. Hell, even Kevin Smith had to go and make a Clerks sequel in order to have an excuse not to use Affleck for once.
5. Everyone wants to know how the rumors got started that Arrested Development might get cancelled, and what’s going to happen. Isn’t is obvious? Fox really wants to cancel the show, so they "leaked" a "rumor" just to see how people would respond to it. As much as I adore the show, it ain’t coming back. Not unless it becomes one of the fastest-selling DVDs ever, people watch the re-runs on some basic cable channel, and people start putting up websites, in which case Fox will bring it back while pretending that they always, always loved it, and it was the fans’s fault for not watching it enough. Which is what happened to Family Guy–-suddenly Fox is proud to air it.
6. So, the entire ad campaign for Fox’s new sitcom Stacked seems to be 100% predicated on the idea of "Men love boobs; isn’t that funny?" Um, no. I already knew I liked boobs. And I already knew I’m sick of Pamela Anderson’s boobs. So, why do I need to watch this stupid thing?
7. More Turner advertising genius: the offensive Jennifer Lopez revenge drama Enough is airing on TBS, the so-called home of comedy, along with the light comedy The Wedding Planner. This is, for some reason, Jennifer Lopez weekend. So, in keeping with TBS’s new comedy persona (we’ve all seen the condescending commercials where they assert that we need them to tell us what’s funny, which is hilarious considering the high amounts of unfunny Everybody Loves Raymond reruns), they’ve decided to advertise Enough as though, like The Wedding Planner, it were a breezy romantic comedy. That’s somehow hysterical to me; makes you wonder what else advertisers casually lie about.
8. The California Family Council is all kinds of pissed off at Brendan Fraser. Apparently he made a joke in Elle magazine about how he wants to be a young grandfather, saying he would tell his sons Griffin and Holden: "Listen to women...and please put a little pinhole in the condom, because we want to be grandparents sooner rather than later." Now the CFC is all over his rock-hard ass, calling his comments "incredibly irresponsible." Dudes, smoke a bowl and calm it down a mo. The guy was making a joke about his eagerness for grandchildren; he didn’t say that he thought everyone should trick their partners into getting pregnant. You know, it’s family values groups that make you root for the destruction of the American family; get a sense of humor, Father of the Year.
9. Hey, Britney Spears is pregnant. Good thing she told us, because I would never have figured it out from the pictures released in the last three weeks, in which she looks three months pregnant. That poor kid; it’s going to have a mother who’s some kind of borderline-retarded functioning illiterate...and then there’s dad. I’d have a few less problems with Britney’s impending maternity if she’d just stop scratching her asshole in public. Meanwhile, her publicist is pissed at being misquoted–she did not say that Britney’s baby was going to be a girl. Um, okay. Thanks for clearing that up. Let’s pray Osama bin Laden didn’t hear that Britney was going to be having a girl, because who knows what could be done with this information! Assholes...
10. Fresh from discussing the possibility of a movie about the Maccabees, Mel Gibson is suddenly talking about directing a biopic of Pope John Paul II, apparently the Most Important Pope Ever. Dude, we get it, you’re Catholic. And you’re attempting to capitalize on the death of a beloved figure in order to ingratiate yourself further to your Christian fans and set yourself up as some sort of artistic religious authority. Wasn’t he supposed to retire? Let’s take that money away from the pious, self-important idiot and give it to Asia Argento to make a movie about Pope Joan instead; that would be interesting and make a point, unlike The Passion of the Christ, which has no point.
11. Brittany Murphy posed in Maxim this month only when told that the editors were sending 40,000 copies to our soldiers in Iraq. I don’t know, I find that kind of sweet. And the cover is right; she is a "Sex Bomb." Good for Brittany Murphy for being aware, and for finding a way of doing her bit for the soldiers without grandstanding over it or being some kind of self-important Sean Penn.
12. Jessica Simpson spoke to US Weekly about the distressing reports in the tabloids that she and Nick are headed for a break-up, saying, "Nick and I are strong. It makes some people feel better to think that we aren’t. But we are. We are so in love. That is the truth." It’s kind of unfortunate that she even felt the need to answer it, but if you look at the cover of In Touch every week, they’re always harping on this, trying to will them into breaking up so they can cover it. What is the fucking deal here? What I do find interesting is that, after about a month, US Weekly stopped carrying stories about Nick and Jessica being "on the rocks," and instead focused on how much in love they are. Interesting, too, that Disney is part-owner of US Weekly. You know, the same Disney that owns ABC, who still has a deal in place for more Nick and Jessica variety specials, including one coming in May that features the couple performing for American soldiers in Germany. Interesting... But I still hope Nick and Jessica are doing fine and not about to break up.
13. New York Yankee Gary Sheffield was assaulted by a Red Sox fan at Fenway Park last night. Jesus, people, will you calm down? It’s only a baseball game. I know fans love to believe that their support has some mystical affect on the outcome of the game, but in fact, if these people didn’t show up, the game could still go on. Attacking a player from a rival team? What the fuck is wrong with Bostonians? Let them play the game, and you just shut up and enjoy it, alright? And it doesn’t help that this Fever Pitch movie makes the disgusting, pathetic ardentness of Red Sox fans look cute, either. Isn’t part of the point of baseball that people play fair? If fans are going to act like this, we should just dismantle the game and send them to Iraq where they can work out their misplaced rage.
14. Who are these idiots who watch The OC? Every time they release a new soundtrack from it, I want to vomit in rage. The show has become a huge commercial used to command armies of morons to buy things. Because, you know, Seth likes Death Cab for Cutie, so now Entertainment Weakly (yeah, that misspelling is intentional) takes them seriously, and now people HAVE to like the shittiest band on the planet that isn’t Limp Bizkit or Linkin Park because, you know, it’s cool. Cuz I saw it on tv. Beck releases five tracks from his new album on the show. Gimme a break, man–-they even premiered the Star Wars trailer on The OC! It’s breathtaking the way this evil has so quickly ingratiated itself to kids who can’t get enough of the goddamn thing, and have to run out and buy every band mentioned on it. And the fact that people treat it like a guilty pleasure...consumerism wins again. Way to make a choice, losers.
15. Comment from my bisexual girlfriend: "Hilary Duff is the kind of candy you just want to unwrap and eat right away; you can’t wait until it matures."
Friday, April 15, 2005
15 random thoughts, questions, and observations for the week.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Is Hilary Duff's music too dark? That seems to be what stalled the sales of her second album, Hilary Duff; so much so that a second planned single was never released, and Hollywood Records has decided to go ahead with a third album rather than try and push the second one. The complaints about her follow-up to the platinum Metamorphosis generally range around the thought that Hilary Duff is too adult, too complex, and not poppy enough.
Let's take a look at this second album, from the cover to the very last track. The cover itself stands in stark contrast to the first one; on Metamorphosis she looked clean, wholesome--the wind was pushing the hair out of her face as she smiled out at the viewer. On the cover of Hilary Duff, she looks intense, her hair all over her face, like a wild and confused girl. In the insert, she looks like an extra from Pat Benatar's "Love Is a Battlefield" video, with punky, ripped clothes and a half-glove on her right hand.
The music on this album is a lot more intense than on the first; she's ditched the trendy pop producers like the Matrix, and stuck with Disney producer Charlie Midnight. He's given her sound more of a rock twist, not quite the pop-punk of Avril Lavigne or Ashlee Simpson; this recalls some of the darker flourishes of the eighties New Wave. The music compliments a whirling tempest of conflicting emotions. Here's a song-by-song breakdown.
Passionate, longing in which she asks "Can you trust this longing...and take control?" It feels like she’s steeling us for the rest of the album, and has an affect of making her sound like she’s opening up a part of herself that she’s nervous about, but still charging ahead with it. This is one of the songs produced by John Shanks, who produced Lindsay Lohan's album and Ashlee Simpson's. He seems to specialize in this kind of teen angst.
Angsty lyric: "Can you trust this longing...and take control?"
DO YOU WANT ME?
A little bouncy, with a couple of dissonant twists. The lyrics almost sound like a put-on coming from sweet little Hilary Duff; she’s looking for love and she’s hurt a lot of people. It almost sounds condescending. This is produced by Matthew Gerrard.
Angsty lyric: "I got scars on my heart and they won’t go away."
This song sounds like a leftover from her first album; it’s a kind of un-hip ode to fakeness; at one point, Hilary sings "What I like about you is what you like about me" and, almost approvingly, "You’re oh so fake but completely real."
Angsty Lyric: "I like the scar above your lip."
The first sweetness on the album, but it's deceptive. Hilary’s read is emotionally secretive, with lyrics about keeping secrets and wanting to connect; she almost sounds like she has a secret lover that she can’t tell anyone about but is bursting to. Like "Weird," she’s concerned with being fake and untrue to herself, but she seems fine with it, despite her questions.
Angsty Lyric: "When you are here nothing can shatter our world."
MR. JAMES DEAN
Tries to be a real rocker, but doesn’t quite make it. Co-written by Hilary and sister Haylie, and co-produced by Haylie. Hilary is almost smug here, challenging some guy to be a real man and stop trying to be such a rebel without a cause. I totally want to think she’s singing about Aaron Carter when she says "Save it for the scene, all the people you’re faking." Make no mistake, this song is a kiss-off. She ends on the words "Have fun, baby; I’m taking back my world."
Angsty lyric: "I saw right through your eyes, and you’re just not so deep."
UNDERNEATH THIS SMILE
Wow. This is a song full of cries for attention, of wishes to stop being so fake, of desires to be saved from herself; it’s hard not to read this as very personal, even though Hilary didn’t write the song. She sings "I’ve been hiding out for miles underneath this smile;" it’s as if Hilary wants to ditch her sunny image and exercise the angst and nervousness she’s feeling, but has to stay who people want her to be. Her voice sounds longing on this track.
Angsty lyric: "It feels as if I’m naked when you’re standing in the room."
DANGEROUS TO KNOW
A very dark song with dense production, very somber in its way, incredibly depressing, searching, yearning for something. It feels like another allegory for not being able to grow up; there’s something inside her that she can’t reveal to anyone. Like most of the songs so far, she finds comfort in a love that’s both dangerous and secret, and that she can’t tell anyone about, but she’s alright with that. She calls the truth and lies dangerous, and comes out somewhere in the middle. Unlike many girls who sing about this grey area, she doesn’t even want to be safe; she just wants to feel.
Angsty lyric: "There’s no safety in a kiss like this, it’s dangerous...so kiss me."
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
Dramatic, passionate, with Hilary firmly committed to the lyrics (one of her best vocal turns on the album). This song is all about jealousy and anger; once again, it plays on the theme of hidden secrets and secret worlds with secret lovers, but this time it gets stolen from her and made meaningless. The lyrics hint at another girl who took these things, and she pleads "Who’s that girl? Where’s she from? No, she can’t be the one that you want." It’s kind of a sad song, as Hilary, helpless, looks at her stolen life and is unable to do anything about it; she does get in some defiance, though, proclaiming, "I’m not sorry for what we did, for who we were–I’m not sorry I’m not her." Hilary’s too strong to even admit to heartbreak here, she just watches in confusion and surprising emotionlessness as it all goes away. It implies (hallelujah!) that a guy who would take everything from her and give it to someone else is not worth her time or anger.
Angsty lyric: "I don’t know why she’s everywhere I want to be."
After the last song, this one’s a bit of a disappointment; the production is absolutely excellent (this would have been a great second single) and her voice sounds great, but the lyrics are all about acknowledging that some guy is her entire world; "you come along and brighten my day." Unless this is about her mother, I’d like to go back to the defiant Duff of the last track. This was produced by Shanks.
Angsty lyric: none, sadly
Well-produced (by Shanks), beautiful voice, but it’s written by Diane Warren. It’s one of those songs about how every girl is everything all at once, etc. etc. This should have been on Lindsay Lohan’s album, that’s the kind of 13 year-old self-esteem building stuff she goes for. This song is a lot like "I Decide," Lindsay’s song on the Princess Diaries 2 soundtrack, by the way. Diane Warren has got to stop writing empowerment tunes for teenage girls. This sounds like it was meant to be a single.
Angsty lyric: "I’m a million contradictions." (how generic)
Traffic metaphors aside, this song is about stalled romance. Hilary sounds beleaguered here, upset with a guy who keeps sending false signals. Good production, dark, kind of sad, which is the kind of thing she does best on this album. She wants to run away from someone who’s bad for her, but at the same time she’s really tempted and doesn’t know for sure what’s best for her. She wants to get away, she just doesn’t know where to go. This is the only song on the album produced by Julian Bunetta, but it fits in better with the Charlie Midnight songs than the others do.
Angsty lyric: "I’ve got to get away to a place where I can be redefined, where you’re out of sight and you’re out of mind, but the truth is I can’t even say goodbye."
This sounds like one of those self-assuring things, where you’ve been played with and dumped, and you know things are going to get better. You just need to cry for awhile first. The lyrics assert that "it all begins again," but that doesn’t stop the pain for now. The production (decent guitars) and Hilary’s vocals are pretty sanguine about it. There’s not a lot of emotion here, but I don’t think there’s supposed to be; she’s shell-shocked and steeling herself for the next time. It’s like she can’t let out her real feelings now, so she’s just going to tell herself everything’s fine. It’s oddly beautiful.
Angsty lyric: "Cry innocence that is lost forevermore."
This is one song that maybe could have been left off the album; the production is irritating, the tune isn’t very good, and the lyrics... Well, the lyrics were co-written by Hilary and Haylie, and they’re very mean-spirited. Do you believe the hype that this song is about Lindsay Lohan? It’s so tempting to believe it is; either way, this song goes a long way towards describing the competitive idiocy that women engage in, and Hilary seems to be either exposing it or saying that she just hates that things are like that. Or, as some people have said, it’s about a specific person who did something... The production sounds a little too much like it’s trying to be a Go-Go’s song.
Angsty lyric: "You say your boyfriend’s sweet and kind, but you’ve still got your eyes on mine; your best friend’s got her eyes on yours."
ROCK THIS WORLD
Nice attempt at a harder sound; the lyrics are pretty plain-faced here: she just wants to rock. She doesn’t care about the hype, the glitter, the fakes, etc. She just wants to do her thing and not be bothered by anyone else’s bullshit.
Angsty lyric: "I don’t want to save the day, I just want to get my way."
SOMEONE’S WATCHING OVER ME
On "Fly" Hilary wanted to let go of her fear and take control of her destiny; this track (also produced by Shanks) bookends that neatly, asserting that she won’t give up on it, that if she has faith that other people love her, she can be strong for them and for herself. It’s a beautiful point, really, and even if the production is a little big, it’s full of the same sweeping strings and pounding drums as "Fly." The difference is, they’re calmer and more assured.
Angsty lyric: "I found myself and ran away."
Hilary’s finally leaving all the hurt behind her and moving on to something else (the music almost mimics a train ride). She is still capable of love, and the things people say will always bother her, but she’s strong enough now to say "My heart won’t crumble if we ever say goodbye." And when she says "I will follow where you go," she seems to be singing about her own heart and her willingness to trust it, despite the possibility of pain in the future.
Angsty lyric: "Money, love, and jealousy, something’s got a hold on me."
THE LAST SONG
Lyrics again by the Duff sisters. This is another song that could have been left off the album entirely. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, it just seems to needlessly reiterate the point of "Jericho;" that Hilary only needs herself and not someone else. At 1:27 in length, it’s just a little pointless and obvious. "Jericho" was a better ender.
Angsty lyric: "Now I understand why you pushed me away."
The Charlie Midnight songs nearly comprise a good song cycle. Girl meets boy in "Weird," and she likes the way he’s kind of fake but kind of charming; they seem a good couple in a superficial way. Their love becomes dramatic on "Hide Away," in which she admits that her self-esteem is now tied to him. "Dangerous to Know" sees this problematic relationship enhanced with a sense of abandon, and this girl doesn’t want to see anything outside of the boy–truth and lies are meaningless, she only wants security with her boyfriend. But there are hints at something else going on around them, something dark about to break like a storm. And then comes "Who’s That Girl?," in which the girl is so stunned by betrayal that she can’t even bring herself to feel about it. Finally, she has a "Cry" over it, and lashes out at the "Haters" who brought her betrayal about and tells them off. She takes some time to be alone and just "Rock This World," before heading on the way to "Jericho" and a new self-assurance.
The other songs don’t really enhance the point (though I think "Fly" and "Someone’s Watching Over Me" are particularly great); those two songs alone are pregnant with enough emotional turmoil that a third album could have been spun out of those two songs. The Shanks songs seem added because Hilary's people were hedging their bets, counting on his hit power to really ratchet up the airplay. But they just break up a pretty clear song narrative, and make the album sound nervous instead of strong. They should have left the Midnight songs alone and just run with it; they still could have released "Fly" and "Someone's Watching Over Me" as singles, or put them on a separate Raise Your Voice soundtrack (they were both in the movie). There are four songs on the Cinderella Story soundtrack that aren't on either album, too. It feels like a mistake was made somewhere because nobody had faith that the album could stand on its own.
Jumping off from her first album, the production sound is much darker, much more adult. She’s not fully there yet, but she’s much further along than some of her contemporaries. She’s ditched a lot of the pop quality, trying for a harder sound, and also for harder, more complex emotional realities. It’s hard not to read it as a soul-searching, Bowie-esque inner dialogue, except that she didn’t write any of the songs herself. But the emotion is there, naked, for everyone to experience, and her vocals put so much pain, intensity, and warmth into these songs, it’s easy to see it as something more real than just a pop album. The first album was her metamorphosis into a pop singer; the second album is called Hilary Duff for a reason.
Which is why it’s such a shame to see her handlers turning her back into a pop star with the next album, whatever that album may be. The single "Fly" didn't go as far as they hoped, and the second single ("The Getaway") was scrapped. Now Hollywood Records wants a new album by August--she's also recording a song for her next film, "The Perfect Man," and she and her sister are going to cover Madonna's "Material Girl" (I liked "Our Lips Are Sealed," and I like the way her music recalls the 1980s). There are talks of making her next album a hits collection, which would be a ridiculous idea--she's only had about five songs that anyone could call hits (were they generous enough), and there are supposedly four new songs ready for it. It's disappointing when, given Hilary Duff as evidence, she could have a future as a real album artist.
It's your time to fly, Hilary Duff. Trust yourself and don't give up.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
My own thoughts on FHM's 100 Sexiest Women 2005.
100. Roselyn Sanchez: I loved her in Chasing Papi, but otherwise I forget about her.
99. Rebecca Romijn: Why does she look better since the divorce? Must be a guy thing...
98. Milla Jovovich: I love Milla, ever since Return to the Blue Lagoon in 1991. She's wonderful.
97. Natalie Gulbis: Who?
96. Brande Roderick: I think it's time we did a clean pop culture sweep and got rid of any girl who was ever on Baywatch. Brande was a Playmate, too, but not one of the sexier ones.
95. Alicia Keys: Yuck. Untalented, too.
94. Courtney Hansen: I don't know who this is.
93. Jennifer Hanson: Meh. Country singers are boring (except for Terri Clark and LeAnn Rimes).
92. Kelly Clarkson: She's sexier than ever, that's for sure.
91. Logan Tom: Who's he?
90. Kristi Leskinen: ???
89. Monica Bellucci: I'm sorry, but you'll be lucky to find 3 women sexier than Monica Bellucci, much less eighty-eight of them. Italians are so sexy, in such a classy way.
88. Jennifer Connelly: I've had a crush on her since I was ten. Now can she please gain 50 pounds?
87. Jaime Pressly: Still?
86. Marya Veronica: File not found.
85. Kelly Ripa: I think she's darn cute.
84. Alessandra Ambrosio: She's hot, but kind of bland, even for a model. On a side note, why are all the big models coming from Brazil these days? I just find that interesting.
83. Molly Sims: Yuck. She annoys me.
82. Denise Richards: I think pregnant women are hot, and she's looking better than ever to me. I always think she's too thin when she's not with child, anyway.
81. Ashanti: Yeah, right.
80. Sofia Vergara: She's one of the sexiest women on the planet; but she's dating Tom Cruise, so I guess that means that she'll get all thin and boring, like Penelope Cruz did. Why does Tom Cruise ruin all the hot Latinas?
79. Amanda Beard: Nope, don't know who she is.
78. Kaley Cuoco: Boring.
77. Rachel Bilson: Ultra-boring.
76. Shakira: I love this girl--where has she been the last 3 years?
75. Evangeline Lilly: I don't watch Lost, so I can't even picture her in my head.
74. Heather Graham: I will always love Heather Graham.
73. Morgan Webb: Again, who are these people?
72. Katie Holmes: Yeah, nice try, pal.
71. Kate Beckinsale: Her breasts look like two uncooked chicken wings. She is just gross and nasty.
70. Emma Bunton: The only Spice Girl to retain her sexy charm.
69. Nicole Kidman: She used to be so sexy, but since 2001 she's embarked on a course of hair-lightening, weight loss, and Botox that her looks are never going to recover from.
68. Catherine Zeta-Jones: Yes, I still love her, despite the incredible fullness of self she feels. Is it just me, or did she get even more work done to her face? We know her husband did, and he looks creepy.
67. Uma Thurman: Hot, hot, hot.
66. Neve Campbell: a.k.a. Dirk Squarejaw. Looks like a man. An ugly man.
65. Gisele Bundchen: She should be much higher, she has the most gorgeous eyes.
64. Sarah Michelle Gellar: Yeah, keep telling yourself that, guys.
63. Landi Swanepoel: No. Dear God, no.
62. Anna Kournikova: Aren't we done with her yet? She's boring.
61. Estella Warren: Cute, but not exactly sexy.
60. Kate Bosworth: Ew.
59. Amanda Righetti: I don't know who she is.
58. Maggie Gyllenhaal: She's finally grown into her looks; that sophisticated elfin thing she was always trying to do is finally looking good.
57. Jennie Finch: Nope, don't know her.
56. Lucy Liu: Yeah, she's still hot.
55. Katherine Heigl: She's cute, but she's losing too much weight.
54. Jenny McCarthy: I love Jenny, and she's looking better than ever. I'm glad she's back.
53. Eva Mendes: Incredibly sexy.
52. Mischa Barton: Ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly.
51. Penelope Cruz: Well, now that she's got herself a heterosexual man, her confidence is visibly back. She's put some of the weight back on, and she's looking more beautiful than she has in years.
50. LeAnn Rimes: WOW!
49. Natalie Portman: Too full of herself to be attractive; she always looks smug.
48. Anna Benson: Um...who?
47. Kate Hudson: Cute.
46. Eliza Dushku: Boring.
45. Elizabeth Hurley: Beautiful, but she's losing waaaaaaaay too much weight.
44. Maggie Grace: Don't know her.
43. Tara Reid: I think she's cute; much cuter than Paris Hilton, to whom she's often compared.
42. Jamie-Lynn DiScala: No, she isn't. Not at all. And she can't act, either.
41. Jennifer Aniston: No. And her breasts are fake, I don't care what she says.
40. Reese Witherspoon: She used to be cute-ish, but her insistence on never appearing in a single decent film is annoying. No, wait, Election was good. Otherwise, meh.
39. Adriana Lima: Love her.
38. Eva Longoria: I'm already tired of her. How can she be a Chicano and have no butt?
37. Janet Jackson: Gorgeous.
36. Josie Maran: Boring, but she has nice eyes.
35. Mandy Moore: Cute, but a terrible actress. Not sexy, but very pretty. She should be further down.
34. Beth Ostrosky: Well, she's Howard Stern's girlfriend, so what does that say about her?
33. Shania Twain: Beautiful, but full of herself.
32. The Olsen Twins: How unfortunate...a brief year of cuteness, and now...
31. Jennifer Lopez: I still find her beautiful, despite the fact that her movies and music and fashion totally suck. Can't we find something that she's good at? Maybe she should be a model.
30. Gwen Stefani: Excruciatingly sexy.
29. Faith Hill: Cute, but not sexy.
28. Kristin Kreuk: No.
27. Christina Aguilera: She's stunning, classic, sexy, beautiful (no matter what I say). Amazing.
26. Vida Guerra: Amazing butt, that's for sure, but she's kinda dull. My girlfriend thinks she looks retarded.
25. Heidi Klum: She has the best smile; I love her.
24. Jenna Jameson: I am so sick of this unattractive, spotlight-hogging, low self-esteemed woman. I really hate her.
23. Brooke Burke: Excellent body, but boring and not very pretty.
22. Jessica Alba: Cute, but vapid, talentless, and not at all sexy.
21. Jessica Biel: Go away, already.
20. Jennifer Love Hewitt: I feel kind of bad for her, because she seems kind of needy these days since her career has failed. She's got a pretty smile, though.
19. Maria Sharapova: The new Kournikova, only she bypassed sexy and went straight to Who Cares.
18. Carmen Electra: She's sexy, but I'm getting tired of her. All she talks about is Dave this and Dave that. Don't you have an identity outside of Dave Navarro?
17. Beyonce Knowles: I love her, even if she's wasting her time reuniting with Destiny's Child after putting out an incredible solo album. Destiny's Child sucks. Beyonce has a classic quality that I love.
16. Jessica Simpson: My heart belongs to her; she's gorgeous, adorable, and the perfect woman.
15. Mariah Carey: Still exquisite.
14. Leann Tweeden: Sexy.
13. Cameron Diaz: Ugh; I can't be the only person who's fucking sick of Cameron Diaz. She's not sexy anymore, and she's become the biggest bitch. She hates her fans, hates the paparazzi, hates herself, and hates the industry. Why don't you just go away?
12. Salma Hayek: Muy caliente!
11. Keira Knightley: Sorry, I'm not into ten-year-old boys.
10. Lindsay Lohan: Skank.
9. Scarlett Johansson: Gorgeous.
8. Pamela Anderson: What, is it 1995 again and someone forgot to tell me? Shit, I have to warn the world about Showgirls!
7. Teri Hatcher: Teri Hatcher's an ugly chick with an overrated Sunday night show who gets too much media coverage and always talks about how sexy she supposedly is. Shit, dudes, it is 1995!
6. Alyssa Milano: Lame; she's finally had too much work done to her face. How about a little shave off the ego, ma'am?
5. Halle Berry: Occasionally, she throws some sex appeal out there, but she's so annoying.
4. Charlize Theron: Way sexy.
3. Paris Hilton: Oh, Jesus, we've all had enough Paris Hilton! GO AWAY!
2. Jennifer Garner: I used to hate her, but when she smiles it makes the rest of the world look dark in comparison. I really, really like her.
1. Angelina Jolie: The right choice, for once. She is, in fact, the sexiest woman in the world. Thanks, FHM.