Thursday, February 10, 2005

Get that man an honorary doctorate

In Empire #188, M. Night Shyamalan says "before The Sixth Sense, scary movies weren't really a legitimate genre. Now it's an entire industry..." You know, he's right -- I don't remember ever seeing a horror film in my whole life before 1999. Quick, somebody call Universal and tell them now is the time to make a bunch of films about Dracula, Frankenstein, and the Wolf Man! Professor Shyamalan has freed you!


I rented movies last night, and after having one DVD stop playing in my machine and another one that I needed to flip to the pedestrian pan-and-scan side, I just need to say: STOP TOUCHING THE FUCKING DISCS, ASSHOLES! DO YOU TOUCH THE SILVER SIDES OF YOUR CD? DO YOU HANDLE YOUR CD-ROMS THE SAME WAY THAT YOU HANDLE YOUR DISGUSTING BODIES? IT'S SOFTWARE, IDIOTS, AND IT DOESN'T WORK IF YOU SCRATCH IT, TOUCH IT, LEAVE FINGERPRINTS ON IT, AND WIPE YOUR BOOGERS ON IT! STOP IT! I just want to be able to rent some DVDs without having to skip through pieces because some dopehead or child or both decided to play Frisbee with the damn thing.

This has been a public service announcement from one pissed off non-activist.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Soon, All Music Channels Will Suck

So, here I am this morning watching VH1 Classic and thinking about the inevitable suckage of all music channels. Now, if you're over 25, you probably remember a magical golden time when MTV pretty much exclusively aired music videos. But today, they air less music videos than an average hour of the Disney Channel. Seriously, it's supposed to be called Music Television, not Half-Assed-Attempts-At-Game-Shows-And-Constant-Reality Television. Granted, I have a deep-rooted problem with having to know how Jessica Simpson's life is going at every second, but couldn't there be a couple of hours during the day for music videos?

And lo, the MTV 2 was handed down from the mountain top. Nothing but videos, 24 hours a day. And then, the programming started, and that channel fell in love with its audience of pathetic metal burnouts and neo-hippie alt rock. A new channel was needed, and now there's MTV Hits. Makes sense; once again, nothing but music videos 24 hours a day. And ad space seems unneccesary, because they only occasionaly show commercials for MTV products. BUT, they're showing reruns of TRL now, and how long before we have Real World marathons?

VH1 was once supposed to be the home of music you never heard on MTV, usually generic music for yuppies in their forties who felt a strong pull for the constant stream of band reunions: Jefferson Airplane, the Bee Gees, Fleetwood Mac, the Eagles. And I have to admit, as a 13 year-old I thought it was a nice alternative to, well, alternative. And rap, of course, which really kinda blew until about three years ago when it started to enter its progressive phase (with the obvious exceptions of Run-DMC and LL Cool J). Anyway, VH1 went along for years being the adult contemporary channel, but then they started Behind the Music and it became a huge pop culture thing. So, VH1 went young, for the prefab nostaglic, the young idiot who is way too young to pine for anything, but feels comforted by some reference to a TV show he watched as a kid. Welcome to constant specials that love various decades (it's FAR too soon for nineties nostalgia - it was a pointless decade, anyway), and Big in 2004, an "awards" show dedicated to just saying what stuff we liked, and Best Week Ever, which might as well be called I Love the Past Seven Days. It's a little pathetic. VH1 wants to do nothing but celebrate every insignificant aspect of pop culture, even the ones they perpetuate.

Well, at least we have THREE other VH1 channels: VH1 Soul, for having a good time and minding your own bizzle; VH1 Country, for abusing your wife or drinking heavily; and VH1 Classic, for reliving the good old days. When they're not playing FAR TOO MUCH hair metal crap from the eighties, they're playing great music from the seventies and eighties that you could put on for hours and relax to. And yesterday, they were showing Rock Star, one of VH1's cheap, shitty "Movies That Rock."

It's always that fucking pattern, isn't it? They get popular with what they're doing, so they suddenly want programming, and then they run off and sell ad space, and pretty soon they're just another crappy channel playing shows that barely count as television filler and running videos for three hours before anyone wakes up. Thanks a lot, VH1. I've got my eye on you, and I still owe you a punch for forcing Rachel Perry into my life.