Monday, December 19, 2005

When the Hell Is "Life Day"?

Well, now I'm in the mood to point out how Star Wars has, in fact, always been children's entertainment, and I came across this picture of the Chewbacca Family from The Star Wars Holiday Special. We could go on and on about how incredibly lame this thing is, or how lame George Lucas is for burying it for nearly 30 years because he finds it so embarrassing (the same thing that drives him to keep "fixing" the trilogy to make it look as modern and new as possible so that it will always, ALWAYS be the best), but so many others have gone into it that it seems redundant. So, here we have Chewbacca and his forgotten wife, Malla, along with their son Lumpy and good ol' pervy Uncle Itchy, who watches a human girl dance in a holo-cube while celebrating the Wookie equivalent of Christmas, Life Day. Okay...

Don't you just look at this picture and think it should have been a sitcom? All in the Family, with Wookies.

And, of course, Han Solo has to awkwardly greet the Wookie family. I guess, on the sitcom version, he could have been like a more prominent Stretch Cunningham (remember Archie Bunker's friend from work who was always joking around and was played by James Cromwell?). Harrison Ford looking damn uncomfortable, is what it is. You think he's stoned on something? He always looks stoned to me in the seventies, or drunk, and then suddenly in the eighties he becomes Mr. Professional. As opposed to now, when he's Mr. Hardass-Trying-to-Seem-Cool.

They even did a storybook about Chewie's family, man. I remember discovering this book in the library at my elementary school; for some reason, it was in the non-fiction 700s with other movie stuff, rather than in fiction. Does that make it some kind of anthropological study, or something? Anyway, this introduced the Wookie planet of Kashyyk (however the hell you spell it) and how it looked into the Star Wars continuity, but Lumpy and the rest got lost, for some reason. Maybe they thought children would be upset that Chewie didn't go home more often. Or maybe it was because Lucas used the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi instead. Either way, I almost feel sorry for Lumpy, even though he's creepy. On this cover, though, he looks delicious. If I were hunting and saw a rabbit that fat, I'd shoot it and eat for a week.

Look at this crap: they even had action figures planned; here are the prototypes. For some reason, Lumpy can't resist touching himself. Maybe it itches. And what do you suppose his real name was? Lumpbacca?

Lumpy kind of looks crazed and dangerous to me. Did you ever go to someone's house, and they have a cute little dog--something small, like a Lhasa Apso or some kind of faggy dog like that--and it looks harmless but it keeps growling and baring its teeth at you? That's Lumpy. Man, when Han comes over for dinner, I hope he doesn't turn his back on this thing.

If you've made it this far, here's a little reward for bearing with me. Yes, it's scenes from the Star Wars Holiday Special.

First, here's the opening, Wookie language and all. Wonder if they'll show this on Harrison Ford's AFI tribute.

The Cantina scene, featuring the comic genius of Bea Arthur.

A very badly animated cartoon segment.

And lastly, Princess Leia sings! Happy Life Day, everyone!

Also related:
Christmas in the Stars
Plif the Hoojib

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