Another Post-Lexapro Note

I want to say thanks for the supportive comments I've gotten on my previous two posts about going through withdrawal and my decision to give up my antidepressants. It really does mean a lot. I won't fool myself into thinking, after my spending years blogging about my awful health, that anyone's really invested in it. I think it's more like a TV series that's been running so long that people just want to see how it comes out. But what you guys have been saying has been genuine and much appreciated, because it does make me feel supported.

One comment in particular stuck out, which was Jason telling me to trust that I'll be okay. I read that this morning and realized, I actually do trust that I'm going to be okay. Rather than letting the withdrawal symptoms destroy me, I'm looking at them as something I'm going to get through before I tackle the larger work of keeping control of my anger and my health. I've never believed I wouldn't get through this part. I'm just sort of waiting for it to be over: right now, even sitting here in front of my computer, I feel like I'm wearing a yoke with a large millstone hanging from either side of it, and I feel like I can barely move. But in my heart I know I won't feel this way for long.

I really hadn't thought about that before reading Jason's comment, but there it is, right there inside me: this part will be over soon. That's remarkably positive for me. And if I can be positive about this, I can be positive about the other stuff.

I will be positive about the other stuff.

I can't believe this is me saying this.

Song of the Week: "You're the Best Around"

Because for some reason this cheesy classic from The Karate Kid is stuck in my head.

Sunday Hottie 365

COLIN FIRTH

A Rambling Philosophical and Mental Health-Related Aside

At the core of life is simplicity. Everything else either works fluidly with it or adds complications which seem important, but are dramatic and unnecessary.

Something I've been thinking about as I examine some of the reasons why I went on Lexapro in the first place and whether or not those reasons still apply.

I have always had a terrible irritability, and when I was a kid it was seen as very troubling and abnormal but no one was willing to call it any kind of mental or emotional problem. To this day, I remember very vividly punching my plastic pencil case to pieces in the second grade, and then using a broken shard to stab another kid in the arm, simply because my teacher had yelled at me and that turned me into a live wire, and then Derek repeated the instructions and it made me feel stupid and annoyed (even though he was just being polite and didn't realize I already knew), so a sudden fury came over me and I hurt him. It wasn't even really a stab; I pulled myself back at the last second and just poked him really hard with the edge, but I'm sure it still terrified him, because it was sudden, unexpected, and seemingly out of character for me. At that point, people still liked me. It wasn't until the summer between fourth and fifth grade, when I began to put on a lot of weight, that people suddenly hated me. Back then, girls thought I was cute, guys thought I was funny, I was skinny and really good at soccer, and I was creative and people liked to play with me at recess because I made up games to play. This sudden moment seemed unexplainable and scary. I was immediately, deeply sorry for what I'd done, and terrified by it, and when the teacher asked me why I'd done it, I told her I didn't know, because I honestly didn't. I didn't know for a very, very long time, until that kind of problem started to be taken more seriously and I finally had the strength to accept that I needed help evening out.

I think I really became numb after Ellen died in 2006. That's sort of the moment it felt like everything broke. Even then, I was pretty much afraid to go out into the world, but I did it because I had to: classes, work, etc. There was no way I was going to miss Ellen's funeral. I was her big brother, her godfather, and that day, her pallbearer. An atheist ever since high school, I had prayed for her the whole year she had cancer. I begged to be taken in her place. Of course it didn't happen. If God is real (spoiler alert: he isn't), then he decided it was more important to take a teenage girl a week before her 14th birthday than it was to take a 30 year-old who was increasingly feeling like there was no direction in his life. What an asshole. And the people who told me that God works in mysterious ways... I thank you for trying to say something sympathetic at a time when I was inconsolable. But for me, it's not a statement that makes it better that the world is nonsensical and unfair.

A lot of things happened at that funeral and afterwards that I still have a hard time dealing with. The one thing that still, for some reason, sticks out at me is that my Dad told me later he wasn't speaking to one of my cousins anymore because she took the centerpieces without permission, and I thought, wow, your 13 year-old daughter just fucking died of debilitating bone cancer and even-more-debilitating chemotherapy, and the lesson you're going to take from that is that there's always time to hold a grudge against a loved one? Really? I mean, fucking really?

Life is meaningless. It's just existence. Although I fought vehemently against the notion, maybe people were right when they told me that free will is just a construct that doesn't actually exist. Maybe it's just like instinct, but we're self-aware enough to analyze our choices and their outcomes. The universe is unordered. It's a notion that doesn't scare me and never has. I believe people can be moral without a bible. Being good to people can make you feel good on its own. I'd rather my daughter did something for me because she loves me rather than do something for me because she thinks I'll punish her if she doesn't. I'm actually perfectly okay living a life that really has no meaning or point or divine moral order because curiosity, enjoyment, the love of others, and the Muppets are good enough for me. Life is fine. I can make do with what I have. Even the struggles don't get to me anymore, because I'm resigned to the struggle, so I might as well just enjoy my life as much as I can even with the struggle instead of spending so much time lamenting the struggle that I can't see past it.

Life is eating, sleeping, breathing, and moving your bowels. It's existing. And then you add the things that make it better, and you endure the things that make it worse. But at it's core, it's just existence, and I think it's a comfort. And I think feeling this more clearly and making peace with it is something I can do without an SSRI to keep me numb to it. I think I've learned not to panic because of it. Before I went on Lexapro, I said  to the doctor that I felt like I was living on a thin precipice beneath a giant, sucking whirlpool that I couldn't get past. I don't feel like that now, haven't in years, and maybe the drug helped me get past it and I need instead to focus on controlling my anger for myself, by myself, instead of just letting the drug numb me to it.

Next stage, I hope. Lexapro helped me stop getting wrapped up in my bad feelings. Now I need to keep that happening on my own, and with the help of people who love me. Next stage.

Ian Abercrombie 1934-2012

Another British actor I like, Ian Abercrombie, has passed away this week. The notices I see refer to him as being "best known" for stuff I care not one scintilla for, such as a role in Seinfeld (a show I roundly despise) or as Alfred on Birds of Prey (I wasn't even aware the character was on this show, much less the actor). So I also wanted to point out that I love him in things I'm sure you don't care about, such as Army of Darkness, and most recently as Professor Crumbs, my second favorite character on Wizards of Waverly Place, and as Chancellor Palpatine on Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Oh, and one of my favorite episodes of NewsRadio, as Bill's gentleman's gentleman.

Sorry to see him go.

Joanie

And I Think to Myself

Welcome to Lexapro Withdrawal

I mentioned a while back that I might have to just give up Lexapro entirely because of the prohibitive cost of the medicine. It's something I just can't afford in our situation, and I frankly feel guilty devoting $118 a month of our extremely limited income to pills for my anxiety and depression.

A few weeks ago, I was finally forced to just stop taking the damn things.

I ran out, and I can't afford to refill. I applied with the makers of the drug to get on a patient assistance program, but I've yet to hear anything from either the company or my doctor's office. So I just made the decision to go off until I could get back on again, even knowing that it might bring back a lot of my old anger problems and issues. I've been on this drug for, what, 2 years? 3? I knew it wasn't going to be easy just going off of it. I tried to wean myself off, but the closest I could really come to that was to take a pill every other day instead of every day until it ran out.

Currently, I am in hell.

I've been trying to keep up a happy attitude, and for the most part I've been doing okay. But I've been getting these terrible migraine headaches, and that's really been bothering me. Every afternoon, like clockwork. I thought I was just getting sick--I felt terribly sick last week--but Becca looked up the symptoms of Lexapro withdrawal today, and there it is: migraine headaches.

And it's not just the headaches, but it's other things. I'm reading about peoples' withdrawal experiences and recognizing what's been happening to me for the last two weeks: insomnia, dizziness, nausea (which is why I thought I was sick last week), sweating (or feeling like I was sweating even when I wasn't), forgetfulness, bad mood swings, feeling freezing cold all the time, aching all over, feeling oversensitive (not just emotionally but physically), even feeling suicidal. That impending sense of doom that drove me to Lexapro in the first place has not come back. I really hope it doesn't.

And also this sort of feeling of shocks in the brain. Sometimes my body aches so much that it feels like everything inside of me is moving seconds too late. My body will turn in one direction, but somehow it's like my mind doesn't catch up right away. I can physically feel it. It's like being in two times, seconds apart, at once. It doesn't help that I just don't want to sleep. I saw someone describe these feelings as like having someone just physically reach inside of your head and give your brain three hard shakes. That's it exactly. And then these feelings in my head, like a sudden electric shock traveling very quickly from one side of my brain to the next. Just right over from ear to ear. It makes me so uneasy. Jittery. Dazed, sometimes.

And the crying. I've had a few jags of emotional crying. Full-on, hard sobbing. Thankfully these have happened when I'm home alone. And even without the crying, there are just times when my eyes hurt so damn bad. The sadness is sudden and overwhelming, just triggering without warning. From 0 to 60 immediately.

I didn't realize how much Lexapro changed me. It evened me out, yes, but there were other things. I was too even. I didn't have a lot of lows, but I didn't have a lot of highs, either. I think it may have made it harder for me to focus. I've been focusing on things a lot easier lately without my mind drifting so much. Some people say they gained weight on it; I gained a lot of weight, too, but it wasn't all the drug. It's been so hard taking it off; I wonder if it will be easier without Lexapro. I'm basically hornier now, too. Most of the medications I'm on for my blood pressure don't do your libido any favors, but I've seen where some people say Lexapro basically took it away. I feel more responsive lately.

I'm actually kind of scared right now to even consider getting back on Lexapro. I'm seeing more and more things about the side effects of SSRIs that give me pause. One of the adverse side effects I'm seeing is akathesia, which is a type of agitation that can drive people to suicide, and though I'm reluctant to just diagnose myself with something I'm just reading about online, like I said before, I'm just feeling agitated and suicidal lately. Irritable. Snapping at people I love for no reason. Involuntary movements is another side effect, which happens to me every night in bed, when my legs will just suddenly jump for no reason. Tardive dyskinesia is another, which I'm frankly terrified of after reading what that did to Brian Wilson. For the record, sexual dysfunction is on the list, too.

I've been reading that taking 5-HTP while withdrawing helps you sleep, because it increases serotonin naturally with no side effects. Advil migraine medication has helped get rid of the headaches for a few hours. People recommend staying away from caffeine, but coffee has been making me feel better, too. Coffee and a lot of water, which helps my weight loss, anyway.

Maybe I'll be able to get through the withdrawal and then just stay off the drug. I'd like to do that. I can't afford it, anyway, and it seems like if you can make it through the first month, it gets much easier. One person said they were almost normal again. I wasn't normal before, but I'm going to work to get there. I'm going to try and channel my nervous energy into exercise. Even going in the hallway and just walking up and down the stairs a few times helps me calm down. Calm down and stop snapping at people. It's unfair to people to take it out on them. I don't want to put people through that. I won't do that. I will accept their help and not be irritated.

I will do this.

Star Trek: Voyager, Season Seven

And here we are, the final season of Star Trek: Voyager. It's something of a mixed bag, much like the series itself, and for a final season I think it could have been handled better. Obviously, this is just armchair quarterbacking a decade later, but these are just my reactions to the honest work of others. Or as they call it today, blogging. Let's soldier through it.

1. Unimatrix Zero, Part II (my rating: 3 out of 5)
Kind of more of the same from last season's finale.

2. Imperfection (3/5)
This episode is a really good showcase for Icheb, a character I'd like to see more of. I'm actually more interested in the next generation of characters than I am in the main cast. Someone needs to put a show together with Icheb, Naomi Wildman, Nog, and Jake Sisko, or something. Jeri Ryan is quite nice in this one. I'd really like to see her doing more now than ending up on shows like Shark.

3. Drive (1/5)
Harry and Tom enter a sub-warp race, predictable plot twists, and Tom and B'Elanna getting together, because why not pair the two most boring characters? Eh.

4. Repression (1/5)
Robert Beltran's pretty good on this completely unnecessary return to the Maquis...well, "story" obviously isn't the word I want there, is it? "Arbitrary motivation"?

5. Critical Care (3/5)
The Doctor is kidnapped again, but there are some interesting ethical discussions here.

6. Inside Man (3/5)
As much as I like seeing Reg Barclay, this episode where a Barclay hologram stolen by Ferengi is used to attempt to steal Borg nanoprobes didn't do as much for me as other appearances he's made. I'm also getting over the writers' infatuation with nanites as some sort of plot-healing magic. Dwight Schultz is great, as ever.

7. Body and Soul (4/5)
This episode is hilarious because of Jeri Ryan. I love the idea that the Doctor is forced to download his program into Seven's Borg implants, and then he's able to experience physical sensations like eating. Ryan is marvelous, and her impression of Robert Picardo's performance as the Doctor is hysterically good.

8. Nightingale (2/5)
It is nice to finally see Harry get put in a leadership position, because I still think there was much more potential for both actor and character than we ever get to see on this show. I could have done without Seven giving him heavy-handed moral lessons about leadership, though. Chakotay, maybe, but Seven rings false. I also could have done without Icheb's sudden crush on B'Elanna. Ugh, B'Elanna.

9. Flesh and Blood (4/5)
I don't think it's a home run, but I do like a lot of what happens on this feature-length episode. Here we're exploring one of the biggest themes on this show, which is what constitutes sentience and humanity, and this episode isn't afraid to really delve into the conflict. The idea that Hirogen holograms have rebelled against their masters is an intriguing one; they can have a concept of freedom and individuality, and want to escape into space to explore their own lives. They firmly put Captain Janeway in the wrong on this one, in my opinion, and I'm glad the Doctor calls her on her inability to think of the possibility that holograms could also be people. It rings a little hollow, since a) Janeway has encountered sentient photonic life in "Bride of Chaotica!" and b) she fell in love with a twee Irish stereotype hologram. I can't decide if the point gets muted or not by having Iden, the leader of the holograms, turn into such a fanatic.

10. Shattered (2/5)
More time travel. At least Chakotay has something to do in this episode, but like a lot of science fiction plots on Trek, Farscape later did it better. I am beyond caring about Seska at this point.

11. Lineage (2/5)
The story is actually handled well, but it does bother me that B'Elanna's apparent hatred of her Klingon ancestry is only ever a part of her character for the sake of plot convenience.

12. Repentance (1/5)
The wife tells me this was a really good episode, but I honestly have a hard time even remembering it. I'm looking at the description right now on Wikipedia and I barely remember it.

13. Prophecy (3/5)
You know, I was surprised by how much it made me smile to see an old Klingon D-7. I made a model of a D-7 back in junior high. I made the Enterprise, too. Always wanted to make a Romulan Warbird, but I guess that was never in the cards. Wonder if I could find one now, one from the original series. Anyway, on to this episode. Every time I see Klingons I'm surprised by how much I miss them and am glad to see them back (real Klingons, not B'Elanna Torres, who is only a Klingon when it motivates a story). Damn, Ronald D. Moore, you made me love Klingons after all. And who could replace Moore as the keeper of the culture? This episode has six credited writers. I like how these older Klingons, still enemies of the Federation, come to believe that B'Elanna's unborn child is a prophesied savior of the Klingon Empire. Good Klingons on this episode, too, and I always like to see Sherman Howard on TV.

14. The Void (4/5)
What a neat episode. I wish we could spend a whole half-season in the Void, seeing all of these new lifeforms and watching Janeway make all of these alliances. I hate how these things are always just one-off episodes and they don't build. Really neat stuff. The idea of Fantome's species communicating through specific musical sound sequences is really intriguing. And I like that Jonathan Del Arco got to play Fantome, since "Descent" was such a lame return for Hugh compared to the classic "I, Borg."

15. Workforce, Part I (1/5)
16. Workforce, Part II (1/5)
Shouldn't we be wrapping up individual plot threads by now? After the surprising vibrancy of "The Void," here we grind the season to a halt with a not-very-interesting story that's mainly a heavy-handed metaphor about workers' rights. I like the love story between Janeway and James Read (always like him), and seeing Don Most was kind of a kick.

17. Human Error (3/5)
Nice try at a personal, character-building story, although instead of just seeing Seven try human interaction on the holodeck, they have to add in the fake drama of the holo-addiction angle. And Chakotay, really? I'm sorry that we didn't get to see Seven and the Doctor together, but okay, Chakotay's not bad, he's just barely a character. The writers seemed to lose interest in him somewhere in the fourth season.

18. Q2 (5/5)
A nice final appearance from Q, though the way he's aged here makes me too aware that I was in 6th grade when TNG premiered. I like John de Lancie's son, Keegan, as Q's son. You kind of know where the story is going, but it's enjoyable getting there. I wanted to see Q2 stay human and hang out with Icheb and Naomi (wherever the hell she is) and end up in Starfleet Academy together. I had more fun imagining that show than I'm having watching Voyager.

19. Author, Author (4/5)
Another episode exploring the Doctor and any claims he has to humanity. It's irritating for almost the first half, but when they finally get to the issue of what rights the Doctor has as a creator or an artist, that's the interesting stuff. Nice ending, too. "Q2" and "Author, Author" both feel like a show that's tying up its story threads. There should have been more of this.

20. Friendship One (1/5)
More Prime Directive crap.

21. Natural Law (1/5)
Even more Prime Directive crap. Guys, the Prime Directive is not an interesting plot motivation now matter how much you think it is. And are Seven and Chakotay together now, or what's going on?

22. Homestead (5/5)
This is a beautiful way to end Neelix's story; not only does he get to be with other Talaxians, but he gets the one thing that's most been missing from his life: a family. This is one of the few episodes this season that makes me think someone was paying attention to characterization. I'm also glad Neelix's ambassadorial status is made official by the Federation. I know there are only two more episodes left, but I'd hate to think that this was the end of Neelix's affiliation with the Federation. He deserved a nice send-off, and he got it. And I even teared up when Tuvok said his goodbye. What a lovely moment. How can there be an episode this lovely and then the episodes surrounding it are just filler and burn-offs of old scripts?

23. Renaissance Man (2/5)
This belonged on a previous season. It's a good enough plot, mostly, but as the second-to-last episode it just feels like filler.

24. Endgame (3/5)
And this is how they went out... Hm. What I liked: the tense stuff between Admiral Janeway and the Borg Queen (Alice Krige again), the way Admiral Janeway uses a pathogen to defeat the Borg, Starfleet finally being able to utilize the Borg conduits, the makeup (the only old age makeup I've seen on a Star Trek series that didn't look utterly ridiculous), Neelix's cameo, Miral Paris, and Tuvok's storyline. What I didn't like: yet more goddamn time travel, the idea that the underdeveloped and new Seven/Chakotay romance is already so passionate that her death could destroy him, no Icheb or Naomi Wildman, and the ending. This episode just kind of whisks past everything, trying to do so much in one shot that the end just comes off as abrupt. The whole series just sort of stops. It feels incomplete without at least getting to see these people we've followed really come home. I'm not asking for a half-hour of saying goodbye, I just would have liked some sense of what happened to everyone when they got home. Jeez, let's see Harry reunite with his girlfriend or Reg Barclay and the Doctor shaking hands or Tuvok see his wife again or something to let us emotionally connect with the end of this journey. And what the eff happens to Icheb? Or Naomi?

I don't feel satisfied at the end of this. Like I said, it just sort of stops and then it's over. It's not like the potential wasn't there with the series, it just always feels like the writers and producers don't really care and aren't paying enough attention. Because of Rick Berman's and Paramount's resistance to serialization, there's just no build on the characters, there's no through-arc, and there's no emotional pay-off or resonance at the end. I honestly think they cared more about milking the damn franchise than about telling a story, which is a real shame, because I love Star Trek and Deep Space Nine was such a high note.

Missed opportunities abound. Oh, well.

Moving on, I guess it's time to start Enterprise.